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Congress confused over where to nominate Poonam Pandey: Rajya Sabha or Rashtrapati Bhawan?

27 April, 2052
With the Congress party’s popularity sinking (and stinking) down the drain under Rahul Gandhi’s leadership, the party has come up with a masterstroke: it wants to nominate yesteryear’s non-stripping model Poonam Pandey for a Rajya Sabha seat. Congress President Mr. Gandhi stunned the opposition parties and the rest of the world, when he announced that 61-year-old Pandey’s name has been sent to the President for consideration, under the Article 80 of the Constitution (which now allows for any celebrity to be sent to the Rajya Sabha for “legitimate political purposes”).

In her reaction, Poonam Pandey tweeted, “Gone are the days when MPs threw mikes and shoes in anger! I’ll just STRIP, baby!”

President, or Rajya Sabha? | However, the still-young 82-year-old Rahul Gandhi told the media that the party was a bit confused whether Pandey could be nominated for the President’s post as well. “The only point of discussion for us in this agenda was where her services will suit more: the Rashtrapati Bhawan or the Rajya Sabha. We will take the final call pretty soon.” Interestingly, just few hours before the announcement, Pandey and her unidentified husband were seen at 10 Janpath, where they met Rahul and his spoilt son, the heir-apparent Raul.

Poonam Pandey seen in full clothes in her early years. This photo was taken in 2011.

Poonam Pandey’s profile | Poonam Pandey is best remembered for her instrumental outside role in India’s World Cup triumphs in 2011 and 2019. Business experts also remember her fondly for her role in Kingfisher’s revival in the early 2010s, which she masterminded by suggesting Vijay Mallya to adopt her own routine outfit (or the lack of it) as the air hostess dress code. With her promise to appear nude for just about anything, but always chickening out in the end, the self-proclaimed “bikini goddess” appears to be the perfect candidate for the perennial “all-promise-no-deliver” Congress party for just about any post. Apart from this, she famously claimed to be the one behind the famous item number “Chikni Chameli”, with the original video of hers titled as “Bikini Hateli”, and still not being credited for the same.

If elected, what awaits her | If she is nominated as the President and wins it, Poonam Pandey’s first responsibility would be to decide the fate of Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab, even though Afzal died a natural death 10 years ago at a ripe age. Afzal Guru’s mercy plea has been pending for the last several decades. If she is nominated for the Rajya Sabha instead, it would be interesting to see how much the government budget will allocate to her clothing expenses.

Why Poonam? | Mind-numbing though this announcement is, we tried to look for reasons behind such a decision. The very famous English proverb Misery needs company is an apt phrase for it. Promising nudity and then getting away without shedding any cloth is an admirable task (especially in India), and such tasks of breaking promises were performed by the Congress as well in their heydays. UPA is a well-remembered calamity where they promised a lot and got away with it for 2 whole terms. In addition, Congress has always been the talk of the town because of its “imports”, and Poonam has always been in the limelight because of her “implants.”

“Monkeys See, Monkeys Do” | Moving on from this we decided to look for the reactions of other parties, and to our surprise we saw this copycat “populist” phenomenon everywhere! While BJP has decided to hold the hands of the ageing Sunny Leone, BSP was found convincing Mallika Sherawat for the same. Before anyone could choose her, Rakhi Sawant declared herself as a representative of Baba Ramdev’s Bharat Swabhiman Party.

Opinions | A Parliament expert told us his opinion, “If what is proposed does indeed come true, the Parliament will soon be a battleground for catfights because of so many celebrities being around. Issues of national importance (such as questions about who is still in rehab, who just got botoxed, who just married a younger guy/girl for the fifth time, etc.) will be discussed with much vigour. Plus, on every other thing, they will promise to sacrifice their clothes to get the job done (like the tradition of breaking the coconut). But of course, they will refuse to do the same later on, on the basis of moral grounds and the RSS after their heads. The good side of this is that India will finally have good looking women at the top post just like every major country have theirs. Our complaints of not having glamorous ladies in politics, like Michelle Obama and Carla Bruni will be over.”

Another expert compared this to Sachin’s nomination in 2012, “This is better than the Sachin nomination. At least Poonam Pandey has enough time to attend the sessions. If you remember, Sachin couldn’t take time out from his busy cricketing schedule of 250 days a year. Whatever sessions he attended, it was only on those occasions when the team returned home from series where they had been eliminated early!”

The Congress is so desperate for any position of power after being ousted by the BJP and others that it is considering her nomination for both, the Rajya Sabha seat and the President’s office, as informed by our trustworthy sources. Poonam Pandey, being a crowd-puller in reality as well as on the Internet, bodes well with the Congress ideals and could in fact serve Congress well in the 2054 general elections.

(headline suggestion and inputs from Tanay Sukumar)

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Shubham Khandelwal

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Karan Taneja

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