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Stuck between Love and Reality: An IITian’s Diary

‘Love’ is a word generally not found in the dictionary of IITians. For them, it’s a hoax, a utopian vision of life, a source of pleasure, an eternal abstraction, a set of kindled emotions, a rose petal among thorns, a serene smile among mourns, an oasis in the desert, a banyan in scorching heat or supposedly, an umbrella in the rain. They think it to be the niche which would provide them haven when the whole world refuses to shelter them. Realizing the dark side of love is not their concern. For them it’s a remedy to all their ailments; a bin into which they can dump all their frustration, only to get a revived life till the next round of disposal. Here is an excerpt from an IITian’s diary who is stuck between love and reality, or may be only reality or, purely love, who knows. After all, IITians are not so abysmal as lovers. They do love well. I wonder, how!

25 March, 2012

Dear Diary,

You must be wondering why I am showering so much love on you. I know, I seldom write but the days on which I do so are really special ones. This one’s too. Who knows, this might put an end to the celibate life I have been somehow steering through in ignorance since the day I was born. Getting admitted in school and swotting up books straight till standard X could have been easier if only I had a few girls in my life. Good things seldom come my way. Then, came JEE, a storm potent enough to add meanings to the meaningless and converse. Life is never as it seems to be. Having swapped my life with voluminous tomes, it had nothing to offer other than of course, cramming, cramming and cramming. Girls had already reduced in number. Engineering had taken its toll and I had paid it quite conspicuously. Competition had become stiff (of course, I am not talking about the competition in studies) and I was supposed to come up with all guns blazing to tame someone. But, no. I had no social etiquette that could have allowed me to even look into the eyes of the ugliest girl in the whole class. ‘You won’t understand.’ Well, that’s quite girlish.

And what worse could have happened next? Mugging in engineering stream lands you in the ‘no-girls-land’. Stuck in a place with a negligible population of girls, I feel dejected. Had this male dominance not been bestowed by the Almighty to this land, the competition would not have been on the seventh heaven. Minors always have an upper hand! But this lad who had no such experience in Casanova, Lothario types came out well. Indeed, well.

Accidents happen. So did with me. It was my first year in college and I was already running 20 minutes late for an hour’s class; gasping, gulping, heaving, choking, wheezing, all at the same time. On entering the class, I shot towards a seat that my eyes first converged upon. Unaware that I was being scrutinized by someone, I continued to gasp absurdly creating really annoying sounds. Once I had adapted to the conditions, I turned my gaze towards my left only to get it fixed. Stunned and stupefied, I continued to look into her eyes. Damn, she was beautiful; I could almost see inside her. The serenity of her face, her innocence, the curled strand of hair that lined just beside her right eye, the intricately laid mascara on the lining of her eyelashes, her recently threaded eyebrows, the depth of her eyes: still fresh in my memories. She was an antique pearl in the ocean. No doubt in that.

Today, I am at the verge of the end of my second year in college and she is the same distant friend as she used to be. We talk over chats, sometimes over phone, all our meetings are extreme co-incidents and damn, damn, damn, I still like her but never felt like saying it, in fact, never had the courage to. Hope she also likes me, hope that she feels the same way as I do, hope that she will be mine some day or the other. Hope, hope and hope. It is all that drives my life.

I met her as recently as today by of course, accident. Strolling over the pavements just beside her, I discovered a peace that had never seen my address; just wanted to tell her this, but couldn’t. Guys continued to pass by and she waved to many of them. I knew none. Just then, my arms touched hers. I wanted to tell her that I wish the touch could be mine forever, I wish she was made for me, I wish she was my soulmate but a fear erupted somewhere within me. Who knows I might be just a pest among many bothering her. Who knows she incubated a feeling for some other guy. Who knows what she thought about me. Who knows I might be just another guy she waves to.

Amidst all this turbulence, I feel myself standing at the crossroads seeing her going away from me without inspecting whether I am still looking at her. The duration of this upheaval inside me has been for long enough and I can no longer withstand this commotion but a ray of hope somewhere in the corner of my heart still pounds for her affection. And, I am standing here, forming the wall between love and reality. And I will, till my heart finds its way because matters of the heart are extremely complicated. I have faith that sooner or later, love will find its way.


(Dedicated to my friend, Anurag Sharma)

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