‘Love’ is a word generally not found in the dictionary of IITians. For them, it’s a hoax, a utopian vision of life, a source of pleasure, an eternal abstraction, a set of kindled emotions, a rose petal among thorns, a serene smile among mourns, an oasis in the desert, a banyan in scorching heat or supposedly, an umbrella in the rain. They think it to be the niche which would provide them haven when the whole world refuses to shelter them. Realizing the dark side of love is not their concern. For them it’s a remedy to all their ailments; a bin into which they can dump all their frustration, only to get a revived life till the next round of disposal. Here is an excerpt from an IITian’s diary who is stuck between love and reality, or may be only reality or, purely love, who knows. After all, IITians are not so abysmal as lovers. They do love well. I wonder, how!
25 March, 2012
Accidents happen. So did with me. It was my first year in college and I was already running 20 minutes late for an hour’s class; gasping, gulping, heaving, choking, wheezing, all at the same time. On entering the class, I shot towards a seat that my eyes first converged upon. Unaware that I was being scrutinized by someone, I continued to gasp absurdly creating really annoying sounds. Once I had adapted to the conditions, I turned my gaze towards my left only to get it fixed. Stunned and stupefied, I continued to look into her eyes. Damn, she was beautiful; I could almost see inside her. The serenity of her face, her innocence, the curled strand of hair that lined just beside her right eye, the intricately laid mascara on the lining of her eyelashes, her recently threaded eyebrows, the depth of her eyes: still fresh in my memories. She was an antique pearl in the ocean. No doubt in that.
Today, I am at the verge of the end of my second year in college and she is the same distant friend as she used to be. We talk over chats, sometimes over phone, all our meetings are extreme co-incidents and damn, damn, damn, I still like her but never felt like saying it, in fact, never had the courage to. Hope she also likes me, hope that she feels the same way as I do, hope that she will be mine some day or the other. Hope, hope and hope. It is all that drives my life.
I met her as recently as today by of course, accident. Strolling over the pavements just beside her, I discovered a peace that had never seen my address; just wanted to tell her this, but couldn’t. Guys continued to pass by and she waved to many of them. I knew none. Just then, my arms touched hers. I wanted to tell her that I wish the touch could be mine forever, I wish she was made for me, I wish she was my soulmate but a fear erupted somewhere within me. Who knows I might be just a pest among many bothering her. Who knows she incubated a feeling for some other guy. Who knows what she thought about me. Who knows I might be just another guy she waves to.
Amidst all this turbulence, I feel myself standing at the crossroads seeing her going away from me without inspecting whether I am still looking at her. The duration of this upheaval inside me has been for long enough and I can no longer withstand this commotion but a ray of hope somewhere in the corner of my heart still pounds for her affection. And, I am standing here, forming the wall between love and reality. And I will, till my heart finds its way because matters of the heart are extremely complicated. I have faith that sooner or later, love will find its way.
(Dedicated to my friend, Anurag Sharma)