Talking to NTMN from his home, Singh exclaimed, “It all started when I was watching an IPL game between Kings XI Punjab and Mumbai Indians on TV. I was thoroughly enjoying the game, when suddenly, I saw this tall, bearded man, clad in white suit, trying to sell a smart phone in heaven. At first glance, I thought he was Gurdas Mann, but then someone told me that he’s Abhishek Bachchan. Abhishek Bachchan in Heaven? Seriously?! Who would like to live with a man who tries to do sissy stunts while riding a pony and wearing Bappi Lahiri’s clothes in his movies? Shit just got real for me!”
Kulwant Singh laments, “I always dreamt of being surrounded by cute Apsaras in Heaven, but this ad has been traumatizing me for the last few days. My dreams are shattered and all my after-death plans have now come to an abrupt end.”Balwinder, Kulwant’s eldest son, told NTMN that his father was devastated and started showing some abnormal signs after watching the advertisement. “Whenever someone calls my father ‘Sirji’ now as a sign of regard, he gets terrified and runs away from the spot. Even while watching a movie Ram Lakhan, the moment the Anil Kapoor started singing Aeji o ji song, my father ran away and locked himself inside the bathroom.”
The octogenarian exclaimed that he has already sent an application to Hell. “If that’s how Heaven looks, I’d be better-off living in Hell. I have e-mailed my application to Hell and now I am waiting for them to approve it. I feel that’s the place where I can ‘live’ happily after death.”
We managed to catch up with the HR manager (Chitragupt’s designation in these modern days) in Yamaraj’s office, who did accept getting an application from Singh. “You see,” he exclaimed in pure contemplation, “people never volunteered to stay in Hell. All those who came here were on punishment, barring one Shakti Kapoor, who wanted to know if ours was the place where all the bad girls lived. But the trend is changing now, we have received numerous applications and we are busy processing them.”
“This is a huge setback for Heaven, as the number of entry applications are on a decline. Yes, that Idea ad has been the main reason for our falling applications. We tried putting hoardings across cities in India with ‘It’s just a f***ing ad, Abhishek doesn’t live in Heaven’ written on it, but it still hasn’t worked for us, people are just petrified by him,” said one guy sitting outside Heaven’s office.
With a plethora of such cases, a team of doctors has been appointed to look into the intricacies of the matter. “Yes, there have been many instances in recent times where people have complained that their friends or family members have shown eccentric behaviour after watching the latest Idea ad,” said one of the doctors.
“We did an intensive study on it and our results show that watching Abhishek Bachchan for more than 3 hours can have adverse effects on a person’s health—much more than listening to Danny Morrison’s high decibel screeching or attending Nirmal Baba’s samagam.”