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[Exclusive] Manmohan Singh’s résumé for the post of the President of India


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Dr. Manmohan Singh
Official Address: 7 Race Course, New Delhi 110001
Postal Address: 10 Janpath, New Delhi 110001
happening.sardar@congress.com

Note: Letters delivered to the 7 Race Course address will not be accepted or acted upon. Please address the replies to the given postal address for pre-screening and further action.

Objective: To seek a job suiting my disposition and temperament where I can carry out my master’s wishes by diligently toiling while staying dormant. Plus I need a new nickname, “puppet” is not so modish these days, “stamp” is so much better.

Qualifications:

I can write about those but you would not understand, and there is no point stating something which I have not used since 1991. But for formality’s sake, some economics related stuff.

Skill-Set:

  • Very good interpersonal skills—so personal that nobody hears what I say.
  • Highly creative bent of mind—just that it has never had the chance to get some exposure out of the big turban.
  • Work ethics—all that I probably have.
  • Not dominant—do I need to even mention that?
  • Out of the world abilities to do as seniors say. So humble that I’ll have a senior “guiding” me even if I am at the highest position in the country!
  • Never talk but highly talked about by everyone.

Work Experience:

Intern at Congress Party (Symbol—Talk to the HAND!); May 2004 – present

Title: Prime Minister of India
Actual Designation: Seat-warmer for the Boy who is the “Chosen One”
Mentor: Smt. Sonia Gandhi
Fellow interns: Mr. Kapil Sibal, Mr. Pranab Mukherjee and some 200 others

Key Highlights of the Accomplishments:

  • Managed to execute 2G, CWG and many other multi-billion projects with little guidance but able mum-ness from my end.
  • Deluded the country of 1.2 billion into the existence of justice system by momentarily incriminating and hosting some people into Tihar.
  • Upheld the constitutional democracy in India by exhibiting a conspicuous and prompt willingness to step down at the whim and fancy of Rahul Gandhi.
  • Successfully managed to stay in power for five years without doing anything of any consequence, except the Nuclear Deal, whatever happened to that after the signing.
  • Abridged the widening gap in the education of India and brought more equality by adjusting the IITs using my best people i.e. Arjun Singh and Kapil Sibal.
  • Elevated millions of people from poverty by redefining the poverty line though a scientific method of drawing four cards from a deck and adding their values to set the limit. Had to do it twice, first at 32 and then at 29 because the deck was not shuffled the first time.
  • Last but not the least, pacified the nation by bringing Sachin on-board to Rajya Sabha with me.

Potential Uses:

  • Can read written-text very glibly and convincingly; to be invoked a maximum of twice a year, currently on 15th August and 26th January, though dates are negotiable.
  • Can be used as distraction from real issues. Works pretty well with both the opposition and the people. Opposition would be busy calling me “puppet” and would not care enough to see that no real work is being done, it would create news cycles garnering good TRPs and people would get something to outrage upon, which is all they want.
    *Credibility of the claim established by a social experiment running successfully for last eight years.
  • Can be used to make good-for-nothing, doubtfully-educated progenies look like young, dynamic and charismatic leaders and 21st century incarnation of Lord Vishnu by a mere comparison with me. People would actually lower their standards and look forward to a day when this offspring would take over the reins and rid them of all their miseries caused fully or partially by the bootlicking political clique owned by the family.

Proposition:

Mamata and Mulayam want me as President while the Congress err Soniaji wants Pranabda as President. What I propose is, make me the President and I will let Pranabda take care of the key decisions (if there are any) taken by President, like I currently let him do all the talking and taking care of proceedings in the Parliament. He is like an acting Prime Minister now and he will be like an acting President later. It’s win-win for everyone and politics is all about compromise… or isn’t that what you are fed?
P.S.: Oh I’m sorry for using the phrase ‘I let him do’; it should be ‘as I’m asked to do’.

Weaknesses:

(I am a very honest person and will make no qualms in admitting my own shortcomings)

  • Though the occurrence is very rare but I sometimes grow a pair of balls which then end up causing problems for everyone around me. Exhibit A, the nuclear deal instance during the summer of 2008. This disability is unaccounted, unwarranted and totally out of my control. The occurrence can be subsided by giving me categorical instructions to be punctilious about day-to-day petty and trifling matters.
  • Cannot cook like the incumbent President.

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(concept and inputs from Sugandha)


About the author

Bijender Sheoran

I am a 23 years old Mechanical Engineer from IIT Kanpur, currently working in Noida. I like to try my hand at a diverse range of things and my interest keeps changing from time to time. I have been a part of IITK's cultural festival (Antaragni) and technical festival (Techkriti) while in college. A big movie buff and loves watching TV serials, Lost and Hustle are my favorite, reads anything and everything and getting addicted to Facebook and twitter.

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