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With an average age as low as 65, Indian politicians are too young for Indian politics: Study

A recent study on Indian politics suggests that our politicians might be too young for our standards. The average age of the cabinet minister is as low as 65, which is alarmingly close to the average age of an Indian, 25, the survey observes. According to the experts who did the survey, such young politicians tend to be either too clever (read: Sharad Pawar), or too much of a “stud” (read: N. D. Tiwari); too dumb (you really need an example?), or too immature (read: Rahul Gandhi)—which can be disastrous for a democracy.

The survey has caused a tremendous uproar in the Indian society (what doesn’t?). After Rahul Gandhi was declared the President of newly-formed Bachcha Politics Wing yesterday, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, 79, proclaimed, “Abhi toh main jawan hun”. Pranab Mukherjee, riding on his recent success, is now being referred to as the “most eligible bachelor” in the country, easily beating other contenders. He is rich, he is powerful, and he makes a ton of money, therefore, he is now the first-choice husband for young Indian women. Our sources report that N. D. Tiwari has already started preparing for six-pack abs. Miss Mayawati has attributed the survey report to her charming looks, courtesy her secret recipe of “multani mitti and haldi”.

These young political leaders are also of the view that the so-called “youth” of the nation are actually too young, and that “yeh unke khelne-koodne ki umar hai”. The youngest Indian leader, Mr. M. Karunanidhi issued a statement for the press, as he was busy taking a power nap: “These kids (anyone between 0 to 70 years), they must stop sucking at decision-making and commenting on women’s clothing habits and other no-brainers… such things should be left to more mature people like me and my brothers and sisters!”

Youthful smiles all the way.

Various psychological experts have issued a warning in response to the survey. If such trends continue in the future, India might have an “all-young” democracy, they say. It will not only be harmful to the age-old traditions of Indian politics; they might also have an adverse effect on the Indian thinking. The symptoms of the same may be one of the following:

  • Indians may start expecting innovation and speed from the politicians if they are so young.
  • Some copyrighted Indian virtues, like bribery, slow judiciary, faulty execution, poor decision-making etc. may be endangered, and in times to come, they may even become extinct.
  • Bollywood actors will start switching over to the other side, sooner than expected. The three Khans, who have an age complex of “being young forever” might try giving the politicians a run for their money.
  • With the current young generation doing great in the fields of sports and education, they might join politics, looking at the trends. But, then what will their grandfathers and great grandfathers do? Nothing?
  • Since Facebook, Twitter, G+ etc can only be used by the youngsters, a too young democracy will render the purpose of the Sibal filter (If we can’t, nobody can) moot.

Keeping in mind the mind-boggling revelations of the survey, the Government quickly decided to bring in some radical changes to fix the problem. Henceforth, one can become a politician if and only if:

  • He is jobless.
  • More importantly, he is aimless.
  • Is anywhere between 75 years and infinite. (Fake documents to hide age will lead to imprisonment.)

The existing conditions, that were brought in through the last amendment, still apply, and they are:

  • He should have at least one record of criminal offence. (homicide, rape will fetch highest reputation)
  • He should display abysmal oratory skills on the mike at least once. (The President of India will be treated as the benchmark.)
  • People with educational/literary/intellectual background will be discarded on a “no-questions-asked” basis.

These reforms are now set to change the country’s definition of “youth”. Old, as they say is gold after all. This reporter suggests we sell the old for all their gold and be done with it!

Meanwhile, inside sources suggest that in the survey, even the average age of 65 for cabinet ministers is doubtful. We hear that Sonia Gandhi’s age was added instead of Manmohan’s while calculating the average, even though she is not a cabinet minister.

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Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

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Satat Mishra

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Shubham Choudhary

A creative writer, A Witmaker and a future engineer. I not only read newspaper but love to create my own news, real or fake but they'll amuse you for sure (and sometimes amaze you too)

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Tanay Sukumar

I founded this website in 2009. I served as Editor-in-Chief from November 2009 to May 2013.
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Aashish Aryan

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