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Indian actors can do unworldly stunts as they’re actually undercover robots in disguise, reveals India TV

India TV has revealed that Bollywood actors, including but not limited to Salman Khan, Ajay Devgn and Akshay Kumar, are actually cyborgs (“robotic beings”) in disguise. This is part of the channel’s ongoing research to explain the gravity-defying stunts these actors pull off on screen. As recently as last month, they had suggested that this is because Martians have infiltrated and taken over Bollywood. This comes as much relief to the souls of Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton et al, who must have been tired of turning in their grave every time our actors perform inhumane action scenes, making a mockery of the laws of physics as well as common sense.

As an experiment, we brought Dr. Stephen Hawking on board for his views and showed him the recent hit film, Singham. It was an utter failure, as Hawking broke into hysterical laughter again and again. “No, it is not a comedy movie,” we told him, “and these are realistic stunts.” At this point, Dr. Hawking was shocked beyond his wits, and passed out. He has been reported missing since. Sources suggest he is on a quest to seek Dalai Lama and find inner peace.

According to India TV, the self-proclaimed “harbinger of truth”, these cyborgs have been in play for much of the last twenty years, biding their time, strutting their stuff in front of unsuspecting public. They say the first real signs were reported when Sunny Deol started wrecking prison cells and dismantling hand-pumps single-handedly in the 1990s. Further credibility has been added to this speculation, with the recent crop of films such as Ghajini, Wanted, Dabangg, Rowdy Rathore etc. It is unclear yet, whether actual human beings were transformed into these cyber-machines sometime in the past, or they have been sent from the future with some ulterior motives.

Rajat Sharma of India TV insists that this is the only logical explanation for the other-worldly strength, speed, and reflexes these actors possess. He also said that it could explain other attributes like “wooden expressions, no-ageing, and perfect bodies”. Kristen Stewart has filed a lawsuit against Sharma for inappropriate use of her copyrighted term “wooden expressions”. Meanwhile, some factions of the society have claimed supernatural intervention by Indian God Rajnikanth himself to be a source of these powers.

Salman Khan and Ajay Devgn react to India TV’s revelations

Indian filmmakers have categorically denied the allegations. Rohit Shetty explained to us, “They are not super-humans, no cyborgs, no Martians, nothing. The stunts we perform are a result of great imagination and introspection by me and my team. And for your kind information, I studied Physics too, huh, up to tenth standard.” Saif Ali Khan has argued that he is in fact the real cyborg, the only one in the entire Bollywood; it has been disregarded by experts as another means of publicity stunt by the Nawab.

The news has had a prompt effect on the Indian society. Ram Gopal Varma has claimed that this is a conspiracy to bring him down (if he was “up” in the first place).  Mahesh Bhatt has announced the title of his next movie as Cyborgs with Sunny Leone in the lead role. Bhatt did not hesitate to mention that Leone will sport at least one scene in a two-piece and will have at least two steamy scenes in the movie. Our sources report that Cyborgs will have a minimum of five item-numbers, the music currently being composed by Anu Malik on the sets of Indian Idol.

In other related news, King Khan is catching on a marathon session of The Terminator Series, to “inspire” himself for his next, No.One.

About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

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