#Society #Such-is-Life #Youth

Doctor implants cellphone inside patient’s skull; enables him to make calls 24×7 using only his mind!

(concept: Kumar Pratik)

A startling case has come to light in the national capital, as a successful surgeon has revealed that he implanted a mobile phone inside patient’s skull at his insistence. Dr. Asthana claims that his innovative operation now allows his patient who is a die-hard cell-phone buff, to make calls 24×7, using only his mind.

We caught up with the patient, Munna Bhai, an MBBS student, and he elaborated on the matter. “Solid idea tha boss! Ab toh fayde hi fayde. Not only can I make calls and send messages psychically, but also play music in my head whenever there is a need, mostly in lecture halls. You aren’t going to believe this, I can even play Angry Birds now, only by shaking my head vigorously, although this has led to my professors believing I understand their words. Phew.”

Closer to the brain than ever. Technology designed for morons.

Our reporter was confused how the phone would charge itself. Munna explained, “That’s the beauty! My brain cells will charge the cell-phone, whenever they are active that is. It’s just so amazing. And did you know, I also have GPS facility in my brain now. I feel omnipotent. There is a side-effect though. Because the mobile phone and my brain are now interconnected, they often conflict with one another. Just the other day, my mind stopped working, as the phone had a ‘NO NETWORK’ problem. I am thinking about switching to 3G, for better connectivity.” Another worrisome shortcoming of the technology, Dr. Asthana himself says, is that people with curly hair may face network congestion, but he is working on solving this.

With the news of this exciting new idea spreading, Dr. Asthana has many takers, as residents of the capital are thronging to his clinic with ever-increasing intensity. Apple has registered a sudden hike in the sale of iPhone 4S, since people want only the best for their brains. Others prefer Nokia phones for their everlasting capabilities, while businessmen still adhere to Blackberry. A survey reports that 90 percent of Delhi University students have signed up for this procedure citing “the need to talk to beaus, and girlfriends every five minutes”.

The student community is buoyed by the news, as this is sure to revolutionize the means of “immoral behaviour” during exams. No need to cram those long answers like before, just surf through the phone’s gallery using your brain. Getting a CGPA of 10.0 has never been easier.

Also for social networking buffs, this invention has great consequences. A tech-giant has come out with a new brand of “smart” phones, based on the brain-implantation concept, with the tagline, “Designed for morons”. With this phone, people can now update their Twitter status by merely pinching their nose and speaking rapidly, share photos of themselves on FB by slapping themselves and blinking at the same time. Disclaimer: Do it at your own risk.

(The reality of cell-phone implants)

(inputs from Nipun Chawla)

About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

About the author


Student. Explorer. Writer. Guitarist. Head-Banger. Psycho. Yet, imperfect.

About the author

Karan Taneja

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Shubham Khandelwal


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