Do you have the habit of turning up late everywhere? If so, it might not be a habit. It’s in your genes.

Indian researchers have found conclusive proof that the Indian syndrome of “perpetually being late” might be a genetic phenomenon, and not merely a lifestyle trend. The study was carried out after Prime Minister Manmohan Singh recently turned up late at a global convention, and received heavy criticism from the global press. In its findings, the report says that the only thing in India that starts on time is cricket matches, maybe because the umpires are not Indians.

The researchers took blood samples from 789 Indians with diverse backgrounds, job profiles and locations to study them. They compared these samples with an equal number of samples of American, Australian and British blood. “I knew we were working on something substantial when all the Indian volunteers arrived 15 minutes late of the scheduled time at the research centre,” said one of the four research scholars involved in the study. The claims of the study are further backed by the fact that the research was released after a delay of two months. “We wanted to be consistent with our report.”

Ajmal Kasab, the terrorist who attacked the Mumbai shores few years ago, has backed the claims. “By the time the Indian government finally hangs me, I could produce my very own cricket team of kids. I get chicken biryani, mughlai parantha, raita and kheer every day, without paying a penny. What else could one ask for? Time? I have all the time in the world to lead a happy, prosperous life right here. It seems that murdering all those people was the best decision I have made in my life.”

The findings of the study, released few weeks ago, have had a drastic effect on the society. Some people have called for Indian biotechnologists to find a cure for this “disease”. Biotechnologists have responded by saying they need more time, and they might get late by the time the deadline of 2025 is reached. Corporate institutions and MNCs are now permitting employees a “Genetic Delay (GDA)” of 2 hours (which is exactly at par with government jobs). Even engineering and medical colleges have decided that students and teachers will be allowed to enter the lecture hall at least until 45 minutes have passed. For severely-affected patients, exceptions can be made if a “genetic report” is produced at the time of entering the class.

When asked to comment, Bollywood oldie Badshah Shah Rukh Khan rubbished the findings, “What? Genetic problem? It’s more like a generic problem. Not with me though. I always turn up on time. The other day, I reached the sets just 12 hours after the scheduled time.” “And, how is that being on time?” asked our very confused reporter. King Khan replied with a smile, “When you are a celebrity, you do get some preferential treatment, although airport security is not one of them, I can vouch.”

Now that most Indians are aware that it’s a genetic problem, people don’t need excuses to cover-up when they are late. Criticism of Maggi “2-minute” noodles has faced a drop recently, and its sales have increased. “Genetic problem hai yaar,” seems to be on the verge of becoming the most widely-spoken phrase among youth, specially people who are always “five minutes away” from the meeting point, even half an hour after they said it first. A group of friends says: “We go to college together. We planned to meet at 8 am, but I reached there at 8:50. Luckily, my friend also turned up at 8:50. As long as we turned up together, we were ‘on time’.”

Meanwhile, this author has also been late in publishing this report, as the study was released a month ago. But you can understand, can’t you?

(concept: Brototi Roy)