#India Staff Picks - Archived

All 33 crore Hindu Gods descend on earth to help India out of trouble; will fight elections

In an unprecedented but expected move, God and his troops landed around 7 Race Course Road today and tried to take charge of the Prime Minister’s Office and its work. This happened after the Supreme Court scolded the Government and said, “God help you and this country!” The Indian Gods, in all their mighty strength of 33 crore, have come down to the Earth and attempted to take over their respective departments in a bid to ouster the non-working UPA government.

Although the coup was averted after Congress members thronged temples with prayers and donations, it has not gone down well with the government. The Congress has urged Gods to fight elections instead in 2014. “I’d like to tell the common man that there is nothing such as God,” the Prime Minister told people as he came out of a temple after his prayers. He has previously been known to deny existence of magic wands and magical money-minting trees.

The apparent Leader of Gods, Brahma, told the media that they had their political party ready for elections. “We’d soon be found roaming around the streets. Our partygods will touch the feet of the common man to ask for votes,” he was quoted as saying.

Chitragupta praises the CAG: The accountant of Gods, Chitragupta has teamed up with the CAG Vinod Rai to find out the discrepancies and scams of the incumbent government. He told NTMN, “The CAG is my avatar. Vinod Rai is doing a commendable job, and I, with my team, have teamed up to show to the real Gods, the common man, the misdoings of this government.”

Other Gods, who handle sensitive departments such as the Rain, the Sun and the Moon, have also teamed up with their respective on-earth representatives to ouster the UPA from rule. The Destroyer, Shiva, has opted out, and will form his own party which will give “outside support” to the other Gods if they win elections.

Goddess Saraswati’s gaffe: Saraswati, the most favoured Goddess for the coveted post of the Minister of Human Resource Development, is already in trouble after she said that she would remove reservations if she got the chance. When Saraswati said that everyone is “equal” and the concept of castes and minority vote bank is “meaningless” to the Gods, “devout” Hindus accused her of blasphemy. India, the only country where types of castes outnumber the total population, erupted in fury, and people from reserved categories demanded an immediate apology from Saraswati.

The spokesperson of the Gods, Narayan Narayan later said that Saraswati’s comments had been blown out of proportion by the media. Saraswati herself took back her comments, and assured people that the reservation policy won’t be changed, after which it was the turn of thousands of Brahmins to burn effigies of the Goddess. This has confused the Gods, as even they can’t figure out what works in this country. All in all, it doesn’t appear that even the God Government will be able to do anything good to India.

Heavenly Life on Earth: Needless to say, some of the Gods have become enchanted with life here on Earth, being worshipped by men and paparazzi in every corner, every alley. Lord Indra commented, “I realize now why Shah Rukh Khan has such a huge ego. Hell, all this fanfare is giving me goosebumps.”

Bribing in God government? An inside pandit (clerk) in the PMO has revealed that the old custom of bribing may be continued if Gods come to rule, as the Gods need an incentive to discuss things with other Gods whom they don’t see eye to eye. Or to Shiva, for the records. He also revealed that during the lunch hour gossip, it was decided that the bribes will be accepted only in the form of sweets from the ‘aam’ aadmi and gold in multiples of 20 kg from the non-‘aam’-aadmi.

Anna fumes: Activist Anna Hazare, who had previously welcomed the move saying people need a political alternative and who better than Gods to provide it, is singing a different tune now, reasons unknown to everyone. “Politics is dirty and Gods should not indulge into something so ghastly,” he wrote on his blog, but he keeps stressing the need for a “political alternative” and a firm resolve of providing the same. After some apparent mulling over on his part, he came out inquiring for the methods that Indra would employ to select the 549 candidates out of 33 crore Gods, and then to allocate constituencies to these candidates. He also put a question jointly to Kuber and Lakshmi asking for the ways in which they would amass the huge amount of money required for the elections. In conclusion, he stressed, all said and done, he would campaign for Vishnu and Vishnu alone—provided he contests against Kansa in Mathura. His disciple, Arvind Kejriwal is now in a fix now, as he doesn’t know what to burn when he starts a protest.

Chaos in Atheist world: Atheists have gone on a rampage that this is some sort of trickery and coup by foreign undercover agents to convince them of the existence of Gods. Most scientists around the country too have abandoned their research and begun the path to divinity.

About the author

Aashish Aryan

Yep. That's about it.

About the author

Tanay Sukumar

I founded this website in 2009. I served as Editor-in-Chief from November 2009 to May 2013.
My blog

About the author

Bijender Sheoran

I am a 23 years old Mechanical Engineer from IIT Kanpur, currently working in Noida. I like to try my hand at a diverse range of things and my interest keeps changing from time to time. I have been a part of IITK's cultural festival (Antaragni) and technical festival (Techkriti) while in college. A big movie buff and loves watching TV serials, Lost and Hustle are my favorite, reads anything and everything and getting addicted to Facebook and twitter.

About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

About the author

Karan Taneja


Leave a Reply