Apple has been hit hard by the awful reviews for Apple Maps and the unrelenting criticism of the new iPhone. The social media scene is flooded with memes and jokes highlighting the utility (or the lack of it thereof) of Apple Maps on iOS6. This has instigated CEO Tim Cook to undertake a daring project—to map Indian music director Pritam’s brain for a new music app for iPhone 5.
This revolutionary app is codenamed “The Pritamizer”. The brain-mapping technique of the app will map those portions of Pritam’s brain which allow him to plagiarize so frequently and so effortlessly.
The app named after him will be able to pick or source music from across a wide database of world music (like iTunes), and suit it to the tastes of the user—in true Pritam style. Users can also record just any live tune, and then tweak it beyond recognition, and make it their own!
After sourcing or recording the music, the user simply needs to press the “Pritamize” button and voilà! You get yourself a new tune customized according to your preset preferences like jazz, rock, pop, country, opera and whatnot. You can even write (or better yet, copy) random lyrics or poetry and feed them into the app. And “The Pritamizer” does the rest, creating ten different songs for you to choose from. The best part is you can credit all these creations to yourself and even apply for a copyright. Now that’s a coup even by Pritam’s standards!
“With advanced brain-mapping techniques and a perfect specimen (i.e. Pritam), our talented engineers have given Apple a winner here,” said Scott Forstall, Senior Vice President, iOS Software. The app will be available across iOS platforms for iPhone, iPad and iPod, and a version is also in the pipeline for Macs.
The story behind the idea: The idea behind the app stems from Cook being a big fan of Bollywood music. He has especially heard a great deal about Pritam’s (in)famous talent of lifting (some would call it plagiarizing) tunes, jingles, soundtracks, songs, carols, hymns, bhajans and kirtans from across the globe. Apple Inc. had been working on this app for over three years. After unsuccessful attempts by their engineers to create the perfect algorithm, they finally decided to go for brain-mapping.
It’s said that the app will be out in a record time of three months as the project is the brainchild of Tim Cook himself. If industry sources are to be believed, it’s said that Tim Cook thought of going ahead with this after he heard Apple engineers joking about Apple Maps in the elevator one fine morning. And to add insult to injury, the incident took place at the Apple HQ in Cupertino, California. “Such insolent talk at 1, Infinity Loop—never again!” vowed Mr. Cook.
Another Indian music director in the race?: It was too much for him to bear and he wanted to surprise the industry with a revolutionary app. And thus was born “The Pritamizer”. But the most interesting news is that another music director was in the running to bag this lucrative contract. Guess, guess? Who else could it be but the pioneer of the field, Shri Anu Malik! He was in the reckoning up to the last moment, when the selection committee decided that he was a tad “outdated”. But he is not sulking, as he has landed a contract with RIM, makers of BlackBerry, who are rumoured to be working on a similar app. Well, an outdated director landing up in an outdated company—now that’s a match made in heaven!
It is also believed that Samsung is developing an elementary, dumbed-down version of “The Pritamizer”; this may find its place in the in-built apps of future Samsung models.
Apple might have found the most apt specimen in Pritam for the job and the app could give iPhone 5 sales a major boost. Ironically, in Steve Jobs’s own Picasso-regurgitated words, “Good artists copy, great artists steal.” And Pritam fits the bill perfectly. “He steals like it’s no big deal.”