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The Art of Election Campaigning — From the Leaked Diary Entry of a Successful Neta

We came across the diary entry of an Indian politician, who took election campaigning to another level. Here it goes:

I was a troubled man those days. I knew I had no chance at winning the electorate seat in the constituency. But I had to win it, to give people a “political alternative”. I was the only clean politician, after all.

But, the way my competitors were going over the top in proclaiming their agendas (less) and demeaning other candidates (more) … giving speeches at random yet strategic places where the audience had no option but to listen (the middle of the road) … climbing on top of tempos and trucks with gargantuan garlands and loudspeakers and microphones with their sycophants singing their praises … and of course, those beautiful (hideous) billboards with their (photoshopped) pictures showing their teeth to the public … seeing all this, I knew the odds in my favour would fizzle out soon. Soon, if I did not do something special to capture the minds of the “intelligent” voters.

There were plenty of options for me to choose from. A langar? No. Mata ki chowki? Naah, that would’ve been too common… Organizing a pooja? Renovating the temple? No, that would lose the Muslim vote bank. Calling that B-grade movie star to dance? — whose relative’s relative’s relative lives in the next street? That could be my last resort, I thought. I was the only clean politician after all, and I needed the publicity, desperately.

And then I found the solution. That night, I saw Katy Perry performing at the opening ceremony of the IPL.

A woman. Giving a pointless performance in a pathetic excuse for a dress. A woman whose only relation to cricket was that of her ex-husband being British. And here she was, capturing the minds of the viewers. What if she sang and gyrated suggestively to my name, I thought? What if I found others like her to sing and dance and swoon around me? Surely that would imprint my name on the voter’s mind! And then the idea struck me: A MUSIC VIDEO WITH KATY PERRY AND OTHER JOBLESS “STARS” IN IT!!!! Win-win for both them and me. A clean politician like me had to understand the psychology of the voters, after all.

Understanding the Mentality of Indian Voters

This was a masterstroke, these Indians are obsessed with phoren people and Bollywood people. I contacted those people; Bollywood paid heed to the call first. Top musicians, choreographers, dancers, music directors, video directors lined up for this massive project which was of course, for the benefit of the people (and their own. And mine.). My promotional video was the next Bigg Boss. And then, recognizing the potential swell in their bank accounts, an expansive array of international “stars” (ones who were out of business for long or had faded into oblivion and were also getting a chance to see the Taj Mahal without bothering why they were in India) descended upon our country, sponsored by me. Katy Perry, Akon, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, to name a few.

Hence, the promotional video was made under a tight security cover, so tight that there wasn’t even one leaked insider video to be seen on YouTube, uploaded by some random guy.

The speculated amount of the entire production was estimated to be around 14 crore rupees. How this came to be with my “publicly declared assets” of around 40 lakhs, no one will ever know. Clean, I am.

The video was released at a glitzy “star” studded press conference and has since then gone viral on the internet with more than 3 million views on YouTube (as is the norm for every “nonsensical” video; even Justin Bieber got as much). The “stars” just flash victory signs and speak slogans in their heavily-accented Hindi (another masterstroke, the phoren “namasteee”. This was bound to create hoopla in the public. Gets votes.). The media went bonkers over it and recent reports suggested that it has overtaken Why This Kolaveri Di as the most viewed imbecile video on the planet.

I am currently the most talked-about politician in the country (replacing Rahul Gandhi). News channels have their vans parked right outside my house 24×7. Aaj Tak and India TV have my video on the loop and are critically analyzing it with a panel consisting of elite intellectuals like Rakhi Sawant and Digvijay Singh. Even Arnab Goswami has invited me now to his “Talk (I speak you listen, you speak I cut you out) Show”.

I am so popular, I can win any voter based reality TV show if I want to. Unless of course, some other politician “stoops” to new heights and “utilizes” public money in a more “face-palming” way. I won the election, and how.

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Karan Taneja

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