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“Spitting, peeing and nose-picking centres” to be opened to cater to needs & demands of Indian men

These centres will be public places, where you can come in and just pee/spit for fun in front of everyone, without having to bother about stupid insulting slogans like "gadhe ke poot, yahan mat moot".

If you are a party animal, you may want to try out a “pee-party” next weekend. Or maybe, a “spitting party” or a “nose-picking party”. Or the best of all: a whole new public place where all these three things, and more, go on non-stop. Yes, giving in to demands of the Association of Anti-Social People—a prominent vote bank for most governments—a resolution has been passed by the Ministry of Health and Family Welfare to open centres across the country for spitting, nose-cleaning and peeing. Although targeted mainly at men, these places will remain open for “public”, allowing everybody to use them.

Graffiti like this will also be seen at these centres (this is a photo of a men’s room, if you didn’t notice)

Each of these centres will have ample pavements, parks and walls to pee (but no urinals), where people can just come and pee and spit for fun. These public places will have interesting games for visitors, for example, a “bulls’-eye-contest” for interested spitters and “who-can-shoot-the-longest” for those who come in to pee. Suitable graffiti on walls will be used to attract people. (see photo) “Yahan karna mana hai” will be inscribed on each wall so that visitors will feel that rebellious sensation they so love just before relieving themselves.

The government also plans to put in some chairs and benches—especially the ones discarded by offices—so that nose-cleaners can rub their snot against it. To add an icing to the cake, none of these centres will ever be cleaned so as to create the perfect “feel” of a public place.

The idea has caught so much craze within just two days of announcement, that Montek Singh Ahluwalia has given up his Rs-35-lakh-worth toilet in Yojana Bhawan, and has agreed to inaugurate the first such centre at Delhi. Some well-known public figures have signed up for a trial run. Lalu Prasad Yadav, often seen chewing paan or milking his cows on live television, is relishing on the prospects of this divine project. He is said to have hidden desires of “peeing in public”, but apparently has refrained from doing so in the streets of Patna/Delhi to avoid much fanfare in company of like-minded people.

Among the critics, the Bahujan Samaj Party has chastised the lack of quota in these centres. A spokesman said, “It’s appalling to see how no reservation exists for the Scheduled Castes, Scheduled Tribes, and Other Backward Classes. Urinating and hurling snot around in public are leisure activities that have largely been enjoyed by people in the upper echelons of society, whereas the oppressed groups have had to keep all such activities clandestine. An equilibrium must be established by giving the minority groups the extra support they need to fling their snot.” Meanwhile, Mamata Banerjee has asked Bengali men to “roll back their pee” (whatever that means) as the idea is “anti-people”.

Costing the exchequer a whooping Rs. 4000 crore, only passage of time and excreta will tell the success story of this project, slated to begin early next year.


About the author

Satat Mishra

About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

About the author

Saarthak Jajoria

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