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By and Dec 3, 2012 • The News Pages

In an unfortunate turn of events, Deshbandhu Nagrik, an IIT graduate, went on a public rampage immediately after he returned from USA to India as his visa had expired. He ridiculed India and Indian practices and was subsequently beaten up by local residents in New Delhi. “America is the real paradise on Earth,” he declared in an American accent. “And India and Indians are shit.” The inflammatory speech by Mr. Nagrik, 32, was first aired by “India” TV.

The police have refused to register a case, since being too modern, they recognize only “online” statements as “offensive”. So, Mr. Nagrik would have been arrested had he posted the speech on Facebook. In his tirade against his homeland, he had spoken at length about how India is an obsolete country. “How, you ask?” he barked at us. “They have world-class facilities there. Tall buildings, long highways, short skirts, what isn’t there to like?”

He continued, “In India, you only get creaky jhopdis, unpaved roads and annoying full-length sarees. In the US, one can have intimate relationships without marriage, and the society will still not look down upon you.” When asked if he had any intimate relationships in his two-year-long stay, he replied with a slow shake of his head and changed the topic: “The security is top-notch too; not even a fly can breach it, unlike India where everyday someone or the other is getting murdered. India sucks. US rocks. Period.”

The most popular of Mr. Nagrik’s rants was on mobile phones. He proudly proclaimed that Apple launches the latest iPhone models instantly in the US. “But they launch their mobile in India only when a newer model is ready. For example India was still happy with iPhone iota when Apple announced iPhone 63 for US. Anyway, the problem is not Apple but the mentality of the Indian populace; they know no class, Micromax and Karbonn is what they deserve and that is what they get.”

He also lamented, “We in the United States have politicians such as the great Sir Obama, while the Indians are just happy watching his speeches and presidential debates. India’s journalists are happy pronouncing that Mayawati is the one who comes closest to being India’s Obama.” He also explained to us the difference between the Statue of Liberty and the Statue of Behenji. He picked up the topic of sports next, and ridiculed India’s monomaniacal obsession with cricket, while Americans had football, basketball, baseball, beach volleyball and whatnotball. He was about to liken Sachin to some of their players but cunningly diverted after observing raised eyebrows and flaying nostrils of his audience.

The events culminated into a feisty rebellion by his neighbours, who hurled shoes at him as a testament to George W. Bush’s escapades a couple of years ago. The mob used “Yes we can” as a motivational phrase every time they managed to break another bone in his body. Onlookers report that after he was left reeling by the mob in his apartment, he dialed 911 repeatedly from his cell-phone, but was greeted by the famous line, “Is route ki sabhi lainein vyast hain. Kripya kuch der baad dial karein.” When he was finally admitted to a nearby hospital, Nagrik was heard chanting the Gayatri Mantra restlessly.

The incident has created waves all around the country. His wife said that “her husband is innocent, because although he talks of New Yorker, The Economist, HBR, Huffington Post, etc, he never really reads them, and being a typical desi, most of his online time is spent browsing The Times of India website, commenting on its porn articles under various aliases. He still cherishes a Digvijay Singh gaffe more than the latest economic policy debate by Obama, he still gets more outraged at the arrest of the Palghar girls than he ever did on the issue of SOPA and PIPA and he still likes reading NTMN more than the Onion.”

Meanwhile, Digvijay Singh was heard saying, “Serves him right. You cannot lick the West’s behinds, while living in India.” When the press reporters murmured the name of a certain Mrs. G at this, he retaliated by threatening to deport each of them to a “videshi mulk”. The event has had some global political ramifications as well, with Barack Obama threatening New Delhi to pull the plug on the N-Deal with immediate effect. Soon enough, PM Manmohan Singh was spotted visiting Mr. Deshbandhu in his hospital ward with a bouquet of white roses. He was quoted as saying, “Bahut papad bele hain maine is N-Deal ke liye. Ise jaane nahi de sakta.”

At the time of this report, Mr. Deshbandhu was in stable condition. He started giving us a statement about how India’s health system is no match for USA either, before realizing the error of his ways and simply commenting, “No comments”. Apparently, he has come to terms with the fact that “there is no such thing as freedom of speech in India!”

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