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Panicked government declares even thinking of rape will get men castrated and hanged

In new measures, govt will also bribe women volunteers willing to go and live in places like Singapore so as to shift the blame to another country


In the first real revolutionary move since the time of the Emergency, India’s panicked government has declared rape a “thought-crime”, meaning even the slightest thought of it, whether conscious or sub-conscious, i.e. thinking or even dreaming of raping, will lead to a full fast-track trial. If found guilty, the accused will “first be castrated, then hanged later on”. Also, women volunteers will be paid crores of rupees to go and live in places like Singapore so as to shift the blame to another country if something happens to them. Another proposal by a Union Minister to give state funerals to rape-and-murder victims and close down metro stations randomly as a deterrent to rape has been kept on hold. This comes after the Government was put under severe pressure by protests all over the country during the past week.

Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Deepshit was at hands to elaborate on this new strategy adopted by the Government to fight against rape cases. “As a woman (chuckles), you can never know what lies inside a person’s mind, you never know if someone even close by you has his eyes on you. Well, not anymore. This law will take care of everything. Every man in the country will be monitored 24×7, their thoughts, their animalistic desires, everything. And at the slightest sign of him showing the symptoms, he will be charged as a ‘Potential Rapist’, and the court will thereon decide if the society faces a danger from him.”

Though experts see it as a hasty decision by the Government to pacify the angry mob, it has failed to stem the march of the protesters, who either (a) do not have faith in the Government’s promise to implement this change, or (b) are demanding for stricter punishment still, such as “male holocaust”, “male infanticide”, and “mati” (similar to sati, with men being forced to commit suicide after losing a wife/girlfriend). Needless to say, there is tension in the air, with men fearing to even come out of their houses. Although this declaration being made a law is presumed to be just a formality, inside reports suggest that the Government is being cautious, after the Beta version of the test red-flagged 73.5% of MPs, MLAs, MLCs around the country and 67% of the Union Ministers. Prime Minister Woman-mohan Singh was reportedly too scared by the barbaric nature of the decision and refused to talk to our reporters, feigning indigestion.

If the law is indeed passed in the coming days, the Government plans to equip its woman citizens with a handheld device that will be able to scan for Potential Rapists around her. The target is to get one device in the hand of every Indian woman by the end of 2013, much like every school student roams around with the Aakash tablet these days.

In related news, this mini-revolution has given rise to some special women vigilantes in the country, calling themselves “The Powerpuff Girls”. These vigilantes have taken the fight to the male community by prowling the streets at night and castrating any man they come across by force.

The author would like to dedicate this article in the memory of Damini, wishing that this news becomes a reality someday. May God be as brutal to them as they were to you.

About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

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