The world has promptly gone into a frenzy at Messi’s revelation. To the uninitiated, this implies that Lionel Messi is in fact Superman! The legend of the man from Krypton says that as the planet Krypton was withering away, a baby boy was sent in a spacecraft to the planet Earth, where he would go on to redefine the destiny of mankind. Meet Lionel Andrés Messi, a.k.a. Kal-El, the yellow sun of the Earth his source of his infinite powers, and the green Kryptonite his only weakness. These superpowers would explain why Messi seems invincible on the football field. The way he dribbles past his opponents as if the ball is glued to his feet and sprints past them can be attributed to his super-speed. He uses his X-Ray Vision to scan the smallest gaps between the walls, and sneak the ball through when taking free-kicks. The power and precision of his shots and passes all bear a testament to his extra-terrestrial abilities.
Footballers testify Messi’s alien powers: Messi’s compatriot and Manchester City striker Carlos Teves has claimed that he was scratched by Messi’s fingernails in practice once. That scar has never healed. Carles Puyol, fellow Barcelona player insists that when Messi plays on the field, he uses his special powers and draws energy from his team mates and also uses their brain cells. That probably explains why sometimes some of the top Barcelona players like Valdes, Busquets, Mascherano and Alves often make silly errors. It also seems to explain the missing brain cells from Pinto’s head; Messi uses him almost every game as he is invariably on the bench.
Jose Mourinho, coach of fierce rivals Real Madrid was quick to point out, “I told you there was a conspiracy! It wasn’t UNICEF, nor UEFA, it is ET himself! As great a movie as it was, I don’t like dealing with aliens, especially when they are on the opposing team. I knew this boy was ‘out of the world’, I said so myself, but surely not so literally. He has an unfair advantage over my players, this would explain why Messi’s shots always seems to go through Casillas’ body, as if he was invisible.” Meanwhile, Cristiano Ronaldo, Messi’s famous nemesis, was reported being extremely “sad” at this news. Reports from Real Madrid’s locker room suggest that Ronaldo threw a tantrum towards his teammates and demanded, “I also want to be an alien! That midget cannot have everything. Somebody get me a green Kryptonite immediately!”
FC Barcelona coach Tito Vilanova was all smiles as he was asked the question if Messi’s abilities should be seen as unfair means. “It’s like saying Sergio Busquets is a diver. Your claims are blasphemous. Messi simply plays as well as he can. He has had it in him from childhood when Pep first found him in the Santiago Bernabeu, I mean Nou Camp. He was juggling his wrecked spaceship on his tiny feet. Football is his destiny!” Pepe, arch nemesis of Messi, licked his lips in delight as he learned about the news. “Until now, we didn’t know what he was, so I couldn’t tackle him. Now we know. His days are numbered.” He claimed with a gleam in his eyes, gripping a green knife in his fingers.
Meanwhile, Roman Abrahamovic is being proclaimed as the Lex Luthor to Messi’s Superman by the footballing world after his team Chelsea beat Barcelona last year in spite of the presence of Messi on the field. After much speculation and research (funded by Real Madrid FC) for the priceless Kryptonite, an astonishing result came to sight. As surprising as it may be, it wasn’t anybody on the field that helped Chelsea win. It was actually the presence of Abhishek Bachchan in the stands, who’s quite a well-known Chelsea fan, that led to Barcelona’s defeat. It is said that Bachchan imbibed some powers from Green Kryptonite that was embedded on his costume at the shooting of Drona. He is now being chased by Manchester City and Real Madrid to sign for them on a permanent basis.
This article is inspired by a joke originally published by The DA here.