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World ends as everyone on earth dies simply out of “fear of dying”; MAYANS WERE CORRECT!

Not tsunamis, not earthquakes, not cyclones. Instead, it was FEAR that killed everyone on earth today as scheduled, ending years of speculations on the Mayan calendar. The people who were expecting tsunamis and falling meteors and cyclonic storms (courtesy TV channels and the movie 2012), today realized that apparently, the Mayans had predicted only the when of the apocalypse, not the how.

1. In one part of the country, throngs of people made their way to the polluted Ganga to be “cleansed” before the End of the World. “This trip was long overdue,” said 40-year-old Ramesh Singh, “Now finally we have a chance to purify our souls before we die.” Before his troop of 200 devotees could die of bathing in the polluted river water, they bumped into an India TV reporter, whose interview about the apocalypse happened to be enough to kill them. The post-mortem report says most of them died out of fear of death.

2. As everyone waited for the impending wipeout-of-the-world curled on their beds, they each had their own “preparation-for-death mechanisms” in place. Just hours before midnight, Alok Naik from Mumbai revealed on Facebook that he would sleep (or rather, stay shivering awake) with his favourite yellow sweater at night since it was his “lucky charm”. “Also, my family did a puja today and invited all our relatives too, in the hope that God will excuse us of all our sins and we shall not end up in Hell,” he added. He was later found dead, and his Facebook news feed may have a role in abetting his suicide.

3. Most people across the country flipped from one news channel to another, before getting too taken over by fear and switching to a movie or a sitcom. “Rather thoughtlessly, a popular Hollywood movie channel was airing 2012. The haunting imagery got the better of us and we are going to spend the rest of the evening playing Angry Birds and Monopoly and praying a lot,” this is what Raghav Nayar had said about his family, before their evil neighbour killed them by playing the most horrifying scenes of the movie 2012 at full volume. The death, again was due to fear of death.

4. Early morning on the 21st, people living in a village near Sirsa killed themselves as they thought “they were going to die anyway”. A kid who didn’t know how to tie the rope to hang himself was found alive. Before dying out of fear in front of us, he told our reporters that since his parents did not want to see the end of this world, they thought that it was a better idea to kill themselves. We asked how did they know that the world would end on the 21st, his response included names of Hindi news channels.

5. A slightly different case was seen in a village near Nagaur, Maharashtra. Farmers under heavy debts in the village spent the whole day rejoicing, as the end of the world approached. But when they saw that the world wasn’t ending, they got so worried that they committed suicide, as they have been doing for long. Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar was later seen asking the farmers’ families to play cricket with him, as part of his cricket promotion activities. He seemed happy, and said, “I have amassed enough in my lifetime to help me stay alive in my deathtime.”

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Tanay Sukumar

I founded this website in 2009. I served as Editor-in-Chief from November 2009 to May 2013.
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Priyanka Mehta

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Vishal Dayama

no bio bruh. This planet sucks.


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