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Nation develops “withdrawal-and-unconditional-apology syndrome”


Sachin Tendulkar has made a statement that he would like to withdraw his retirement. He never had the intention to hurt the sentiments of his fans and is deeply apologetic. Suresh Kalmadi has asked permission from Soniaji to withdraw his name from the Organizing Committee of Commonwealth Games 2010, as he never had the intention of making that much money. Poonam Pandey has also tweeted that she wants to withdraw her clothes from the last few pictures she has posted, as she never wanted to hurt the libido of any of her fans.

In what appears to be an epidemic, the worst to hit India since “Katju Stupidity”, many citizens have been diagnosed by “withdrawal symptoms”. It all started with a silly tweet by News That Matters Not, India’s leading satire website, which called Prime Minister Manmohan Singh a “walrus”. In the chaos that ensued, Twitter and Facebook became forums for heated discussion and protests, including a few thousand “Display Picture” protests and online petitions. Embarrassed by all the publicity, NTMN quickly and swiftly withdrew its statement. Support and Protection of Endangered Walruses (SPEW) demanded an immediate apology from NTMN, for hurting sentiments of walruses. On being questioned, the editor-in-chief of NTMN said, “Since we have already withdrawn the statement, and given an unconditional apology to all, we find no need to comment on this. Theek hai?

On being asked whether the Prime Minister’s Office had issued any legal notice to NTMN to withdraw the statement, he said, “They have remained silent on the issue. It was very surprising. Since we have already withdrawn the statement, and given an unconditional apology to all, we find no need to comment on this. Theek hai?” This has triggered a nationwide disease, with everyone from Poonam Pandey to Sachin Tendulkar currently under diagnoses.

Sachin Tendulkar has made a press statement that he would like to withdraw his retirement. He never had the intention to hurt the sentiments of his fans and is deeply apologetic. Suresh Kalmadi has asked permission from Soniaji to withdraw his name from the Organizing Committee of Commonwealth Games 2010. He never had the intention of making that much money. Poonam Pandey has tweeted that she wants to withdraw her clothes from the last few pictures she has posted, as she never wanted to hurt the libido of any of her fans.

Fears of this turning into a worldwide epidemic surfaced when Justin Bieber, in a recent interview, withdrew his albums and all pending singles from the internet and the music stores all over the world. His manager has said that it was never their intention to hurt anybody. However, Justin has been unique in his ways before.

The man who started the trend is sitting on the right, withdrawing comments and apologizing profusely.

The man who started the trend is sitting on the right, withdrawing comments and apologizing profusely.

The withdrawal fever that has gripped the nation has left Mamata Didi in shock. Speaking to scribes, she said, “How can ebhreebody do this? This withdrawal and roll back, eta amar copyright asche! This is not in the fabhor of common man. We demand a roll back!” On hearing this, sources tell us Robert Vadra rolled back a few thousand notes and placed them in her outstretched hand. The Prime Minister rolled back his already-rolled-back tongue.

Shockingly, the four accused in the Delhi gang rape have also asked if they can withdraw the rape. They feel deeply apologetic and never had the intentions of hurting the sentiments of the people or the girl. Meanwhile, housewives around the country have started withdrawing their marriage ceremonies. Husbands have tried to “roll back” their kids, unfortunately to little avail. Students all over the country have started protest marches and candle light protests demanding the right to withdraw their answer papers.

In a surprise action move, RBI Governor has issued a press statement that ATMs can no longer be used for withdrawals. This may end some of the belligerent withdrawing that has been going on in the country. The Communist Party of India protested this move in the Parliament Session, calling it undemocratic and proceeded to break all the furniture of the House. They have a parliamentary method of doing this in the future. Even God has been trying to roll back humanity, it appears.

Doctors continue to be stunned at this sudden breakout of the epidemic. In order to be regularly updated with the Breaking News on this Breaking epidemic, news channels have withdrawn all other stories.

(inputs from Garima Sharma and Tanay Sukumar)


About the author

Rishi

Student. Explorer. Writer. Guitarist. Head-Banger. Psycho. Yet, imperfect.

About the author

Aashish Aryan

Yep. That's about it.

About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

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