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Team India decides to lose all cricket matches as a tribute to Sachin Tendulkar


"Team must play next 234 matches in poor form to be able to balance what Sachin did for the Indian team"

The Indian cricket team has decided to lose all cricket matches it plays, as a tribute to Sachin Tendulkar following his ODI retirement. This reason has also been given by the team for its poor batting display against Pakistan in the first T20I. Skipper M. S. Dhoni has confided to us that the team will now never play well as Sachin is not there. “There used to be a time in the 1990s when Sachin Tendulkar used to be a one-man army. Now that he is gone the team will play the way it used to in the 90s, as a fitting tribute to the master.”

The sentiment in the dressing room was one of dismay and disappointment as one of the finest batsmen in world cricket bid adieu to the 50 over format. Talking of the tribute: “This would be a perfect tribute as Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion also states that to every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” says Sandy Gordon, one-time psychologist to the Indian team who helped India reach the finals in the World Cup 2003. To be more precise, he said that the Indian cricket team will have to play an exact 234 matches in poor form to be able to “balance” what the Master did for the Indian team.

Gordon added that the Universe always moves towards disorder and increases its entropy. “The fans are in a state of tremendous psychological and emotional disorder after Sachin’s retirement. If the Indian team plays well, their state of disorder might get weakened, which would be against the Universal Entropy Principle.”

Good for the Indo-Pak peace process, feels Hafeez

Good for the Indo-Pak peace process, feels Hafeez

“We can never repay what Sachin did for Indian cricket,” said Dhoni before the start of the game. “But this is the least that we can offer to the Little Master.” However, Ajinkya Rahane, a cricketer from Mumbai, had other ideas and tried to be different; he scored some quick runs in the match before his stay at the crease was put to rest by Umar Akmal’s catch at deep extra cover. Interestingly, Akmal said later that he didn’t take the catch. It was taken by an invisible “hand of God”.

Mohammad Hafeez has expressed ignorance of any such move from the Indian camp. When asked why he was not able to remember his playing eleven, he had a terse but simple answer, “In Pakistan, while playing in our gullies, we play anyone who wins at firing more bullets, so we don’t have to remember who is in and who is not.” When he heard the news that India is going to lose matches, Hafeez could not hide a smile, as he said, “I welcome this gesture, and it will work well towards the peace process.”

Shoaib Malik has shown discomfort at the statements made by the Indian cricketers. He said that Indian cricketers cannot take away the credit from the Pakistanis who were better on the day. He added that Irfan Pathan had said something similar when Malik won Sania Mirza’s heart and he (Pathan) could not.

What the Indian team is doing by losing matches is essentially “a balancing act” in the words of Rameez Raza. However, Sunil Gavaskar has advised Rameez to first balance his fingers on the Touch Screen. “It is a sign of gross incompetence on part of Rameez to not be able to use a touchscreen to good effect,” feels Sunny. Rameez Raza objected strongly to the use of the word “incompetent” saying that he is not incompetent as he is a father of two sons in Pakistan.


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Kartikeya Negi

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