To: Sonia Gandhi
CC: Dr. Manmohan Singh
We are pained to inform you that a similar kind of disease, the Eastern Influence (Eastern Influenza, as doctors are calling it) is becoming an epidemic in America.
It all started with an American man who came back from India and wanted to pee and spit on the road. He insists that the trash should be thrown on the road instead of in the garbage can. His one-month visit to India turned him colour-blind and he has stopped following all the traffic rules. He tries to bribe every official in sight and has developed a strong police-phobia. He doesn’t do his work properly, doesn’t vote, yet gripes all the time blaming the government for his problems. He haggles in Walmart and tries to fake investments to save income tax. He stares at women, assaults them (you call it just “teasing”, I am told), and claims that he wants to teach them a lesson—some kind of self-inflicting moral responsibility some Indian men are known to indulge in. He wants leaves for funerals, engagements and a wide variety of other holidays including “French leaves” (which not even France is aware of).
He doesn’t step out of his house after 10pm, and out of the blue he is demanding bribes: on the pretext of saving for his daughter’s marriage. His daughters-in-law were also appalled when he demanded dowry from them. He became so delusional that he complained to the police about the missing potholes, stray dogs and beggars on roads. He also asked for a high-speeding ticket be given to our internet companies and train ticket booking websites. He wants to bathe and do laundry in our rivers, causing both water and sin pollution. He’s scared to “like” on Facebook, but gives rampant “hate speeches”. He is also showing other classic Indian signs of giving hateful statements and then withdrawing them and “aplojising”. He misses the “breaking news” of India TV so much that he has started breaking everything in sight. He finds Hollywood movies meaningless and asserts that Indian movies have unique storyline and are absolutely believable. Initially, our people thought he was on drugs but then they found only Indian cigarettes (beedi) and Tulsi tobacco in his possession.
Our problem is, many Americans who are getting attracted to Indian exotic stuff like yoga have started to follow him.
We understand the cultural differences between our two countries. And hence to treat this disease, we need clarification on certain facts, which is why I write this letter to you:
India has always maintained that its sole claim to greatness is based on its history. In light of this, please explain the story of a particular woman whose husband banished her despite proven loyalty through “trial by fire”. If it had been America, she would have asked half of Ayodhya in alimony. Then there is this case of Draupadi insulted and sent into slavery, because her husbands bet her in gambling. Why didn’t she file for a divorce from the Pandavas! In recent times, a girl was raped and killed, and everybody just talked about jeans, cellphones, discos and lipstick. Some even discussed whether two hands are required for clapping or one! There are festivals and fasting based on female gods and yet India has the highest rape incidents in the world. Rivers which are prayed to as goddesses are used as sewer canals. People in the country which had its first woman Prime Minister in the 1980s is asking women in 2012 to marry early to save the society from the shame of rape. The most religious place on earth which claims to see God in animals too practises casteism with equal diligence and treats people worse than animals. What sense should we make out of these contrasts? Are we missing something here? Understanding everything may help us treat the Eastern Influenza, because you see, we go into root causes before blaming random people.
The software hub of Asia is also the place where just about one in ten people have access to internet and women are 25% less likely to have internet access than men. When we last checked, women were being sent on battlefields, becoming doctors, engineers and ‘taking on the world’. We are pretty amazed at the blinding speed with which India is developing. We Americans are not very good in following double standards, so please explain how is it that Western women who drink, dance and wear short dresses are considered to be morally corrupt and a bad influence on your sari-clad Indian women who are not even safe in their homes.
I know this is an unpleasant and confusing topic for you, so let’s discuss more tangible issues. Is the new President too keen on seeing the world at government expense? Also, please clear the pending hotel, shopping and sightseeing bills for Ms. Pratibha Patil. For the sake of diplomacy between our two democracies, how does a government like yours which does not deliver, and has provided a thriving ground for scams and crooks, keep a straight face and go on in front of its citizens each day! As you know, Americans are very demanding; I’m struggling constantly to provide more equal opportunity, freedom of speech, technological advancements and still they keep questioning and holding me accountable. How does the Prime Minister get away by reciting poetry in Lok Sabha when I have burned my vocal chords in speeches. How come Arnab Goswami evokes more fear in Pakistan than the Indian Army, and a country so proud of its heritage doesn’t even defend the dignity of its soldiers. Kindly share your secret.
In the past whenever we have contacted Dr. Singh, the call is always picked up but nobody talks. Or it is forwarded to 10 Janpath. I later came to know of a no-talk situation with him and therefore we have sent this mail to you instead. Please respond swiftly to this in variance with your governance style. Once we understand the symptoms, we can treat the American who came back from India, so that the epidemic doesn’t spread further.
Barack Hussein Obama
As a result of stringent internet policies and strong intentions of the ruling party, this mail landed up in the trash folder. Mr. Kapil Sibal has unfollowed and unliked Obama from all his secret accounts.