#Showbiz Ripped Apart

Bollywood Movies, Ripped Apart!

Bollywood, ah, the good ol’ Bollywood! In this (so-called) flourishing film industry of ours (named similar to Hollywood to make it sound “cool”), there are three basic types of movies: the good, the bad and the ugly. “The good” are characterized by low budgets, indigenous storylines, exceptionally realistic actors who remain as unnoticed as the movie itself which may or may not attain any cult following. “The bad” are the ones with a fairly large budget dreadfully misused at “buying” release dates & maximum “star” appeal and go on to become huge hits. “The ugly” or what I like to term as “IQ killers”, are our specialties, which are produced by ruthlessly slaughtering a well-known Hollywood movie, messing up the action scenes to such an extent that it gives your brain aneurysms, then mummifying the mangled remains with the usual juvenile humour and emotional illogicality… and there you have your “Best Film of the Year Award” winner!

BollywoodWhat is more amusing is that these films are termed as “blockbusters” because according to the filmmakers the Indian “aam admi” has nothing else to do except flocking at cinema houses to watch anything and everything that is thrown at them! Anyway, so there are some of these films that are said to “define” Indian cinema. Those are the ones with a massive budget, an entire army of “stars”, a “masala” formula, some blundering dance numbers (ripped off South Indian films, now that’s an entirely different “topic” itself), an “action hero” cop, and lastly, a retarded guy as the villain. Sounds familiar? Well, let’s use an easier and (I dare say) less boring method to understand the glorious Bollywood cinema. Let’s talk about the main plots of some recent “blockbusters”:

Wanted Salman Khan beats up a bunch of goons and wins over the heroine’s heart.

Bodyguard Salman Khan beats up a bunch of goons and wins over the heroine’s heart.

Ready Salman Khan beats up a bunch of goons and wins over the heroine’s heart.

Ek tha Tiger Salman Khan beats up a bunch of goons and wins over the heroine’s heart.

Dabangg Salman Khan beats up a bunch of goons, wins over the heroine’s heart, marries her and gets her pregnant so that he can come up with a sequel!

Singham Now, this is a tricky one. It looks like a “film” to our untrained eyes, but, it actually is a Mahindra Scorpio advertisement and… er…. also promotes The Lion King. Better than backmasking, eh?

Rowdy Rathore Pretty much like Singham but in this, the “hero” can in fact dance fairly well and steals more limelight than the villain.

Robot The tragic love story of an exceptionally horny robot!

Rockstar A timid guy with a guitar falls in love, gets his heart broken and becomes a controversial rock star (that seems easy!). And then…. and then… well, that’s pretty much all of it!

I Hate Love Storys/Love Aaj Kal/Band Baaja Baarat, etc. Two people spend some time together (i.e. one “fun song” shot at some exotic location), fall in love but don’t realize it, drift apart in order to throw in some “sad songs”, and cover up the time after the interval only to realize that they are “made for each other”. This is a relatively innovative plotline since the ingenious financial/caste differences, bad dad, family rivalry, bimar maa-kuvari behen concept ceased to do the trick (finally)!

The Dirty Picture Vidya Balan’s humble attempt at saving the environment by “urging” us to minimize the use of cloth, except silk.

Student of the Year An utterly fictional view of college life which is perhaps factual in a galaxy far far away! Beware future college goers, if convertible cars, alcohol, long distance trips with pretty girls and every other ridiculous luxury is what you think college life is all about, get ready to be disappointed, really really disappointed.

Talaash Aamir Khan seems to have lost something; perhaps his creativity, let’s hope his talaash ends as soon as possible.

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Adwaita Bhagwat

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