A draft of how much nonsense we might have to put up with in 2013
Rahul Gandhi: “Keep the brainless comments going, we will make you PM,” they said. Who am I kidding? After all the elaborate thinking and constant tours, the power of my miniature brain is finally exhausted, now I’m planning to keep my “knowledge” to myself to save Congress from further degradation. In any case, reading spoon-fed speeches and opinions is what all present and future Indian PMs are made to do!
Sharad Pawar: Next year, next ear! Considering all the scandals I’ve been a part of, I’m deemed to get slapped again this time on the other ear, hence this year my only resolution is to see to it that Ajit Pawar receives his share of one sharp sonorous blow too.
Dr. Manmohan Singh: Madame gave me a set of “instructions” which were supposed to be my resolutions this year, but like all other resolutions deemed to be passed by my government this one has lost its way too!
Pranab Mukherjee: As a President I don’t have much work anyway, so in 2013 I will try to spend maximum time with my son, giving him home tutorials on the art of babbling.
Sheila Dikshit: Now that everyone has realized that the only thing I’ve been able to safeguard in Delhi is my “Chair”, it’s time I started formulating new strategies this year before the reverberations reach my fortress.
Arvind Kejriwal: Last year I did everything I could to stop corruption by “exposing” the scams of many politicians, but all in vain. I give up now; politicos don’t pay heed to agitations. Maybe talking sense into cricketers and actors might save India from some mortification. I will shift my focus to more doable tasks by establishing Aam Cricket Fans Party, Aam Movie Maniacs Party and other such Aam “Parties”.
Mayawati: I will strive to gather more maya than my counterparts, as I always have, and will see to it that the elephant is declared as the national animal by erecting statues in every nook and cranny of India, at the cost of government funds of course.
Raj Thackeray: Since I’m the only surviving saviour of Maharashtrians, I will gather as many goons possible, fly to USA and make them change their official language to Marathi. If turned down, I’ll declare war. Jai Maharashtra!
Ramdev Baba: I will practise more of anulom-vilom and shitali pranayam to keep away the unnecessary frenzy and anxiety that got me into trouble last year.
M. S. Dhoni: This will be another peaceful year for me; I have no worries since I scored one century in a match against Pakistan. That should keep me going for another year. Also I will take lessons on making pitches as I have decided to become a curator post retirement.
Karan Johar: After torturing the masses with some romantic comedies last year, in 2013 I vow to squeeze the life out of one of India’s truly deserved bestsellers, The Immortals of Meluha. I’m about to make a film which will literally “change” the history of Meluha with Shiva dancing around trees in Vegas, eternal damnation guaranteed.
Vijay Mallya: My airline crashed so bad that the black
“can” box wasn’t retrievable either and Royal Challengers Bangalore are not much of a challenge to any team, so slipping back into the beer business without much “fizz” seems to be the only option.
Salman Khan: So since my advertising business seems to be flourishing after successful boost in sales of Zandu balm, Fevicol and Astral pipes, this year I’m going to expand my sector and include luxurious goods that will generate massive budgets for my future films. Talking of advertisements, I will also try to feature in some matrimony portals, that might help.
Bejan Daruwala: did anyone say “13”? Good. Now I can make a complex khichdi of all planets, stars or perhaps create new ones to scare the crap out of people. 2013, what a jackpot!