In a much sought-after move, police forces in Delhi have been asked to attend special etiquette classes to deal with women. As per the course, they are to brush, bathe and shave daily and use deodorants heavily. They need to exercise daily, and be on diet to reduce their overtly fluffy tummies. To target the ailing mentality, they are to watch Mother India, Jhansi ki Rani and few other prescribed “women-oriented and meaningful” movies (strict instructions prohibit them from watching new movies and listening to item songs, especially by a certain artist). As part of the curriculum, they will be sending friend requests on Facebook to all the girls residing in Delhi, and liking their pictures, display photos and statuses daily. They also will have to laugh on all their jokes.

As the police bashing continues unabated, Delhi Police has welcomed this initiative. “We have always received stepmotherly treatment from women. While women have always swooned over men from Air Force and the Army, we have never been ‘eyed’ by any girl. In fact, when they see us, they run as if they have seen a ghost. Women are more scared of us then they are of goons. They also completely avoid areas with police stations at all times during day and night.” The special programme, announced by the Home Ministry, will start this week.

An effort to make the tagline true.

A police constable laments, “When we go for bride-hunting, neither do we get dowry nor a beautiful girl or respect. This is after we earn more than enough upar ki kamai, all-expenses-paid motor vehicle (we don’t even know the price of petrol), and other amenities which the government provides. The prospective in-laws don’t even ask us our salary, instead they ask ‘Beta, upar ki kamai kitni hai???’ Don’t they know we are not supposed to disclose that! After watching Dabangg, I joined the police force hoping that I will get a girl like Sonakshi, but I didn’t even get a Rakhi Sawant.”

Delhi Police gets women-friendly: In other measures as part of the initiative, new colourful police uniforms have been ordered with pink caps and red shoes to attract ladies. Police stations will be giving out chocolates, gol-gappe, chaat, free SIM cards, free WiFi and sample iPhones to woo Delhi women. Police stations which don’t even have ladies’ toilets will be opening beauty parlours and salons. Special discounted jewellery shops may also be set up. The budget for this whole process will come from Delhi Police, whose each employee will be giving up 10% from their “kharcha-pani allowances” for the collective welfare of the police.

Meanwhile, as the buzz spreads among Delhi girls, they have decided to block all policemen who send them friend requests, as “policewaalon ki to dushmani bhi buri hai, aur dosti bhi”.

(NTMN’s coverage: Delhi Gangrape: News and Views)