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Rains declared a natural disaster in South Africa

Disaster Management techniques to be in place by next World Cup; Duckworth-Lewis may soon be declared terrorist outfit

Following the loss in the World Cup semi-final, the South African government has moved swiftly to declare rains a natural disaster. “People affected by rains, showers and drizzles will now be able to claim miniature World Cup toys as government compensation,” said a press release. Till reports last came in, intelligence agencies were still debating whether Frank Duckworth and Tony Lewis should be declared a terrorist outfit.

Policymakers in the country believe that this will help them prepare better for the future World Cups by disaster management techniques against rain, like raincoats, umbrellas and indoor stadiums. Waterproof helmets were mooted by a journalist as a tongue-in-cheek comment but was not taken kindly by the government spokesperson.

“Win the war before it ever begins”

Scientists in the country are also working on a time-machine which would allow them to go back in time and kill Frank Duckworth and Tony Lewis before they ever discovered the formula that still makes Hansie Cronje cringe in his grave.

A mourner laments the latest loss in the face of what is now officially a natural disaster

A mourner laments the latest loss in the face of what is now officially a natural disaster

Thor’s hammer behind SA’s woes?

Meanwhile, reports are filtering in from the Marvel Universe, accrediting Asgardian God Thor for untimely rains in South Africa’s World Cup semifinals. Greek God Zeus who continues to live in past glory and in scripts of weak movies like Percy Jackson told reporters in Olympus that he is the real lightening God and not Thor.

Experts say the after-credits scene at the end of the upcoming Avengers sequel will feature this big revelation and will form the basis of the story for Thor 3. Religious groups from India have taken offence to this news and have questioned why Lord Indra couldn’t be behind these rains.

Choking declared as national disease; Klusener vindicated

In another unprecedented move, South Africa has declared choking as the national disease after Dale Steyn was diagnosed with it today evening. Victim Zero of the disease, Lance Klusener is said to have jumped at the declaration, loudly claiming from his confines, “I told you so, but you thought I was mad! Who is mad now?”, before breaking into a loud diabolical laughter.

The government believes the country might just be able to come up with a cure in time for the next World Cup. On the rain front, NTMN has learned that South Africa has invited Thor’s arch-nemesis Loki over for dinner later this week.

(concept: Pratul Bagri)

About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

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