Al-Qaeda quits Indian mission, says can’t compete with BJP or RSS

The Al-Qaeda has decided to pull off all its operations from India, reportedly because they “cannot compete” with Modi Sarkar and its allies. In a shocking statement, the India head of Al-Qaeda said, “Our main aim was to turn India into a regressive and archaic society. But now we feel inefficient and uninnovative compared to the Indian government.”

He also quoted an impressive laundry list of bans the government had imposed just yesterday, admitting defeat: “If this carries on, the Indian society might become too orthodox and intolerant for Al-Qaeda. Why murder a man who is already committing suicide?”

A victim of oppression, Mr. Kehmka ponders his life choices

A victim of oppression, Mr. Kehmka ponders his life choices

Government claims victory

Reacting to the news, BJP MP and its loudest mouthpiece, Sadhu Subah-Shaam Hindutva claimed victory. “It had always been our government’s plan to dishearten all terrorist organizations by being much worse than them,” he said.

“It is another aim for this government to turn Indian society as religiously and economically intolerant as its enemies so they will see no point in fighting us, thereby achieving peace. And for peace, a small price of freedom and equality should be acceptable,” Mr. Hindutva said.

However, an RSS member was disappointed with the news: “This is really just a misunderstanding and if Al-Qaeda had stuck around, they would have realized that there really isn’t much difference between us. Why can’t we all just live together a theocratic society in common thread of fear and violence?” she questioned.

Congress speaks but no one’s listening

Not missing an opportunity to say something and anything, Rahul Gandhi, eternally the next PM candidate, was quick to jump the gun and said, “Of course Al-Qaeda doesn’t want to come and if this government keeps it up, soon nobody new and interesting will come to this country.” When told that Al-Qaeda was a terrorist organization, Gandhi was visibly shocked.

Brushing facts aside, he quickly put the blame squarely on Indian voters, insisting that it is because of them that the country is facing such hard times. “These things would have never happened in our government,” he said out loudly, indicting he means business. “The voters should have totally left us alone, to our free will, to pillage and loot this country. After all what is freedom, if not the freedom to be corrupt, rich and arrogant?” he asked rhetorically.

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