Cancer (21 Jun – 22 Jul)
If you are having a good time, do not worry, life is going to fix that for you. If you are already miserable then you are probably used to what will come ahead. In any case, buy a tissue box because you’ll need it when you’re crying like a loser in the night.
Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug)
New developments in your love life. Your crush is going out with two people now. Your narrow mind will probably not accept this polygamous relationship, but remember, this is precisely why nobody likes you.
Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sep)
You are going to die. So will your family and friends, because eventually, everyone dies. Does this give you a fresh perspective and a whole new respect for your limited time on this beautiful planet? Good. Now get to the work you hate only to do the same shit the next day.
People are going to come up to you and ask you what is wrong. Do not worry, there is nothing wrong. It is just your busted face.
Scorpio (24 Oct – 21 Nov)
Your friends are going to throw a surprise funeral for you. It is not that you’ll die, it’s just what they really want. Take the hint.
Sagittarius (22 Nov- 22 Dec)
If you are type of person who actually reads horoscopes then it’s time to reevaluate your whole existence. Like, seriously. Now talking about your laughable love life, do not worry, it is still a comedy.
Capricorn (22 Dec-19 Jan)
God is going to test your faith by repeatedly putting you through miserable tasks. Do not worry, God still loves you. It’s just that he wants you deal with your own shit, he has enough on his plate right now.
Aquarius (20 Jan – 19 Feb)
You are going to have a good week by your standards — which are pretty low. Meaning, if you cry in a corner only 3 times this week, it is a win for you!
Pisces (20 Feb – 20 Mar)
You’re going to delude yourself into thinking that it’s possible to support yourself by pursuing your hobby. People do make a career out of hobbies, it’s just that they have something you don’t. Talent.
Aries (21 Mar – 19 April)
The universe has big plans, but sadly you are not included in any of them. Frankly, even considering that the universe will share its secret awesome plans with you is borderline narcissism. You have earned yourself another week of living in your head. Congratulations, for whatever it is worth.
Taurus (20 April – 20 May)
Another family row. Your cats and dogs are fighting again and serving as a constant reminder that you live alone that they are your only source for companionship.
Gemini (21 May – 20 Jun)
There is fun adventurous trip waiting for you. But you are going to miss that because of your crippling social anxiety and low self esteem. Instead you’ll waste your productive time by doing the only thing you’re good at i.e. masturbating. On the plus side your right hand biceps and forearms will get a good work out.