“Don’t teach me! You stupid Girl! It’s my life, my choice!
You won’t know the ecstasy KID!” said his euphoric voice.
With a sneer of cool attitude, he seemed in his own trance,
His besotted, congested eyes, scared me at the first glance.

“Don’t call me kid, for that matter! I know how life turns,
I don’t need to put a hand in fire, to know that it burns!
You know smoking is the sole cause of Lung Cancer?
And you are sure-shot safe if you are a non-smoker!

“Of course you know, but you choose to be a learned fool
With a lame excuse ‘Personal choice’, as your only tool.
Listen here Smoker Clan! As early as possible, seek a retirement
To lead a healthy life, we need a Tobacco Free Environment!

Yes! Tobacco free environment!

“So that a foetus doesn’t suffer because of a smoker mother,
So that non-smokers don’t have to pay for the sins of other!
So that your poor lungs, heart, stomach, brain do not smother
So that any depression, BP, asthma, heart attack do not bother.”

Yes! Time for the assessment!

Tobacco free environment, eliminates fifty cancer agents,
Tobacco free environment: hundreds of diseases it prevents.
Tobacco free environment: economic losses sharply descent,
Tobacco free environment: diminishes the risk of fire accidents.

Yes! Need to take individual responsibility!

Smoking is injurious to the health, sounds just clichéd,
Printed warning on labels, no preventive role it played.
To a nation marred by infinite unresolved health concerns
Alas! A matter of “Personal choice” adds to the burdens.

Yes! Authorities need to come strong!

Government regulatory policies as faulty as they ever are,
Chopping the branches, whilst root cause flourishes at par!
Enforced laws just shifted the issue out to inside the shade,
To eradication of the giant problem, no solid impact it made.

Yes! Be self-restrained!

Abstinence from smoking, in your blood, no one can wedge,
Yes! Let everyone resolve for self and drag his own sledge.
Let’s not live and die on a modifiable and dangerous edge,
Let tobacco free environment be a global harmony pledge!!”

He stared at me, bewildered, not knowing, how to get rid!
“Drop that cigarette Bro! And just don’t again call me a KID!”

1. Hunt

2. Kill

3. Show-off kill to the ladies whilst impressively grunting

4. Mate

5. Sleep

He did this day after day, like a pro, until one day, civilization snuck up on him. He found himself having to put up with intellect, art, innovation, poetry, science and other such ridiculous creations of the human mind. He would come home to a warm cozy fire, bring his haul back in a cart (a strange invention that incorporated the Wheel), sow seeds in the farm, reap a harvest and earn shiny gold coins – as opposed to winning the lion’s share (pun intended)  for the loudest grunt.

Naturally he was outraged at the Human Mind for having taken over his life. It brought him pain, shame and a gigantic inferiority complex, as Man’s new rules and ways of life reigned triumphant over the Neanderthal’s simple, wholesome lifestyle of violence and stupidity.

Now, an ordinary Neanderthal would have just gone with the flow and adapted to this brand new world. But our hero was no ordinary being.

With the newfound development of the Human Mind, he started plotting against, well, the Human Mind itself. He sat back and devised a scheme that would shake the very foundations of this revolution: the human mind and communication.

Decades passed by. He skulked in the dark corners of the world that were yet untouched by the blasphemous concept of Development. He watched with disgust as civilizations began to rise and fall. Wars were fought, peace was made, nations were built and destroyed again; yet nothing gave him the opening he sought – to launch his plan to save the world from the Evil of Thought.

He decided to bide his time, for he knew that deep down within each person, behind the façade of intellect, lies a Neanderthal fighting to break free… to hunt and grunt and seek attention, once again.

And then his grunts were answered. He found himself looking at the very weapon that would steer the world into madness and chaos, back to the carefree days of stupidity and brashness. This weapon was: the cell phone.

Finally, the days of lyrical prose and nauseating beauty were over. This weapon would unleash the latent anti-talent of human beings: stupidity.

He watched with glee as languages began to choke on their own sentences and sense began to become obsolete, as brilliance and style began to slowly creep away into the dusty corners of deserted libraries. Many battles were waged against this new weapon — QWERTY keypad, spell-check, auto-correct, English exams; but one force equaled them all… FACEBOOK.

And finally, with popularity beckoning, the Neanderthal within Man broke loose. It fed his every need – attention, approval, desperation, hunger, loneliness, mental deprecation, mating opportunities and most importantly: his stupidity.

Since then our hero has travelled the globe, systematically attacking and destroying vowels, punctuation marks, grammar, wit, humour, intellect and even simple common sense. Some rebel groups resist this change and continue to make sense… but He knows all.

Recent sightings at the Ministry of HRD have confirmed that this saviour has now set his sights on India. It is almost certain, that our great nation, with its shameful history and heritage of knowledge, science and art, is now on the path to redemption. It is no coincidence that our to-do list today involves:

1. Get invited to a party

2. Pout for pictures and edit in Picasa

3. Upload pictures and tag your crush

4. Count your notifications

5. Sleep.

He is watching you, while you use a thesaurus, read a book, make a speech, write an article… He bides his time until the opportune moment. And then he strikes. And slowly, it begns 2 vansh; da wrds d thgts… d lollzzzz….. :S :S ….._________X.

This article is by Apoorva Tapas, and has been edited by Priyanka Mehta. Both Apoorva and Priyanka are interning with NTMN in our 2012 Internship-cum-Training Program.

He lay on the floor. Beaten, bruised, bleeding from the cheek. As I walked towards him to pick him up, he moans in fear, struggling to get on his feet and maintain a distance from me. He is very scared, of me, of the surroundings, of the world. “Don’t worry, I am here to help. I will not hurt you.” He looks uncertain. “What happened?” I ask him.

He shakes his head in despair. He is too ashamed to tell me. On pushing, I find out his story.

While attending the wedding of a friend, I notice a room the Bride visits quite often. Wondering in my innocence, I knock and offer to help in any way possible. On entering, I am horrified to find the room filled with old men, all above their 40s, sitting and talking. Some smoke, while the others play cards. I am surprised to see Akhileshji, the father of the bride, seated among them.

On pushing for answers, I was astounded at the response. The boy had lost his virginity on Holi. The joy and excitement of the Festival of Colours had got to him, and he had slipped up. Instead of sharing joy and happiness at his virility, the family were shunning him and calling him a black mark. Ah, he was yet unmarried.

News That Matters Not wishes its readers a Happy Women’s Day and a Happy Holi. Respect Women.

This is a Back Page Column.

Being a WOMAN, simple it seems, but is not that easy
It’s not just about make-up, shopping and being cheesy
Neither just about cockroach, lizard and inexplicable fears
Nor only about sensitivity, emotions and easy flowing tears
Womanhood is daughter, sister, lover, wife, mother’s bond
Womanhood is an intricate amalgam of all and much beyond

If you think women are complicated, I reassure you, they ARE. Solving a Sudoku is much easier than understanding the enigma called “woman”.

I may be too young to speak about the broad and multi-dimensional phenomenon of womanhood, which has a life span of cradle to grave. Nevertheless I would speak, for I have lived two decades of it and plan to live six more, to see my grand-children grow. I don’t want to emphasize on what a woman CAN DO or SHOULD DO, I will just talk about what an average woman DOES. Nothing out of the box, none my imagination but all that is known, all that is the truth. I would be talking what being a woman is. What womanhood is all about. Just what the reality is and not what ideally it should be. Let me warn you, it is a long article. But you do not get an unrestricted cakewalk into a woman’s territory too often, so it is going to be worth your time. And the latter part of the article might help you in solving a few columns of the Sudoku. So let’s walk down and explore some aspects of womanhood:

WOMANHOOD AND EMOTIONS:

Womanhood is not about emotions, it is about an oceanful of emotions. The range of our emotions is hugely vivid and extremely deep. Happiness, love, care, appreciation, hope, enthusiasm, anger, rage, fear, grief, despair, anxiety, surprise, apprehension, worry, envy—all runs in a woman’s blood and there is no turning away from this fact. We are women, we are sentimental. We love boundless, we hate endless. We hope for the best and we worry about the worst. We get angry in a second, we melt in a moment. We care too much and we fear too much. We can have more than one emotion at a time, which comes across as confusion.

Emotions of a woman are her greatest strength and the driving force behind all the strong decisions. Emotions are an expression of femininity and not of fragility. Womanhood is all about feelings. And we have no qualms about it. We absolutely love this aspect of womanhood.

WOMANHOOD AND TEARS:

Overtly active tear-glands are the hallmark of women. We don’t know when-where-why would we cry. We just do. We do NOT deliberate it; and we can not help it. Never ever take a woman’s tears as a sign of weakness. It is just a measure of her SENSITIVENESS. Tears of a woman could have four meanings:

Meaning 1: She is too happy and short of words to express it. These tears deserve simple acknowledgement.

Meaning 2: She is hurt and fearful. And she really is. These tears demand a sincere apology.

Meaning 3: She is in pain. And it is intense and inexpressible. These tears need genuine concern.

Meaning 4: She is just SHE. She has a million things to worry about. It may be her chipped nail or damaged hair; her dog might be ill, or that beggar child on the road, or Shah Rukh dying at the end of a movie, or the mention of another girl by her boyfriend more than twice, or a 0.000001-kilogram-increment in her weight. Anything and everything can stimulate those tear glands. And she can control them as much as a man can control ogling at women.

No! No man can understand the fourth meaning. The best (or the only thing) he can do is “to pretend to understand, to refrain from laughing, and to keep quiet!” She would be alright in some moments.

WOMANHOOD AND SOCIETY:

Morality, responsibility, liability, fidelity, rules, customs, superstitions are the social ornaments obligatory to wear for the women and optional for the men. Any breach of these codes of conducts by men is acceptable and forgettable, but the same by women is condemnable and punishable. A son is forgiven for adultery but a daughter-in-law is not. An infertile son is covered but an infertile daughter-in-law is exposed for divorce. A woman never commits mistakes, because anything ‘against-the-norms’ that she does is a sin—a permanent and indelible stigma, which makes the most pronounced part of her profile for a lifetime. Accept or do not. It is a fact and unfortunately has remained so, ever since the dawn of humanity. Womanhood is about facing the discrimination for having sweeter voice, longer hair, fairer complexion, shorter height and softer bones as compared to man, since we can’t ascertain any other reason for all the partiality that is done to us.

Womanhood is about the uncertainties and apprehensions that come along with the sharpest and the most crucial turning point in her life called MARRIAGE. Marriage, for a man is addition of new colours; for a woman is the change of the basic colours. In a traditional Indian arranged marriage, she is uncertain about THE ONE. She is uncertain about the new environment, new home, new family, new roles, new responsibilities, new customs and new traditions that she is going to be part of. Only a woman knows the nervousness of this life-changing transition full of uncertainties. Womanhood is about leaving her home to be a part of HIS family and to make HIS home.

Ah! The man-made society has planned it all according to the man’s comfort. All woman has to do is accept it comfortably. Womanhood is about shining amidst all the inhibitions of time, space and society. Womanhood is about seeing through the veils. Womanhood is about walking with the chains. Womanhood is about leaving a mark against all odds.

WOMANHOOD AND MOTHERHOOD:

Bearing a child and motherhood is probably the most beautiful thing in the world, for nothing else could explain the charm and glow on a pregnant woman’s face. And on that beautiful face are the fine lines of tension, anxiety and anticipation about the well-being of that ‘new life’ within her. A woman lives through those beautiful nine months with extreme caution. Labour pains at the termination of this blissful period could give goose-flesh and shake even the most robust of souls. Womanhood is about bearing this intense pain for the birth and continuation of life. Womanhood is about those heart-wrenching shrieks before the heart-warming cry of a new life.

Womanhood is about the sleepless nights that follow. Womanhood is about the untiring responsibilities that come along. Womanhood is about nurturing a seedling into a tree. Womanhood is about the devotion of a lifetime for motherhood. Womanhood is about living this most blissful essence of the womanhood.

WOMANHOOD AND CONTRADICTIONS:

Womanhood is a constant struggle between heart and mind.

Womanhood is a continuous shuffle between rigidity and fragility.

Womanhood is a frequent shift between sensibility and sensitivity.

Womanhood is a regular alteration between stiffness and submissiveness.

Womanhood is about living these contradictions and still striking a balance. Womanhood is about settling the internal tides and keep flowing as a smooth river. Womanhood is about facing these inherent challenges and coming up strong and stable.

WOMANHOOD AND MAN:

Let’s believe that Men are from Mars and Women from Venus. Since only this credo can explain the stark differences between the two species. Womanhood is about making adjustments with these MARTIANS since they are bound to stay together on the Earth.

Men need to know that women appreciate the meaningful things more than the magnificent things done by men. Women crave for just 5 things from men. Respect. Love. Understanding. Loyalty. Time. We do not want a man to do us favours but we notice every single act of chivalry and gentlemanly behaviour and remember them forever. And these count A LOT while making the final impression of a man. Our dad is our best man and every other man is seen relative to his standards.

And for the man a woman likes, loves and marries:

• We think you are the best. And the truth is, you are the only one we think about.
• We love you for your being “YOU”, but still we would try to change a million things in you.
• We don’t need you to bring us moon and stars but counting them with us under a starry sky is not that tough a job! Is it?
• We don’t want you to be superman and move the mountains for us but fixing those nails and electric wires is not that big an expectation!
• We are not usually dangerous, just that we feel like killing all other girls who talk to you.
• We are not gold-diggers. Certainly not. A flower works as much wonders to cheer us up as a diamond does.
• When we say it matters, it does. If we say it does not matter, it still does.
• When you behave weirdly we make hundreds of assumptions per second. And 99 of them say, “He does not love any more!” But we still believe in the 100^th one, which says, “He does.”
• We admire your male best friends but you CAN NOT admire our female best friends!!
• You can forget to breathe for once but forget our birthday and you die!
• The fact is that sweet, little and meaningful things DO MATTER TO US. And that’s the only thing we wish, expect you to understand. That is it. Just that.
• We already worry about our weight and pimples. Do not rant about them.
• We are not interested in knowing the hourly details of your life. Just tell us what you did in the 3600 seconds of the day.
• By the way! All those diamonds, solitaires, credit cards are just icing on the cake. And we don’t mind occasional icings!

That is enough of revelations I guess. I would be moving to the next section for the sake of humanity.

• WOMANHOOD AND THE UNIVERSAL FACTS
  • Yes! We love chocolates, teddies, kids, Shah Rukh, Edward, love stories and fairy tales. PEACE.
  • Yes! We are dreamy. And our dreams are beautiful. PHEW!
  • Yes! We don’t understand gadgets, bikes, football and maths. And we care the least. BLAH!
  • Yes! We are right in 90% of the arguments. In the rest 10%, the other person is wrong. WATCH OUT!
  • Yes! We don’t need continuous oxygen to live. We need non-stop talking. BLISS IT IS!
  • Yes! We know more than Google does. We can find out anything and everything. BELIEVE IT OR NOT!
  • Yes! There is a calendar in our brains and it registers every single date and anniversaries. And it is stored there forever.
  • Yes! We know only two adjectives: SWEET and CUTE! And only one interjection: “Awwwww!” Isn’t it so sweet?
  • Yes! We need 4–5 hours to get ready. And our time starts when others have already reached to the door. PATIENCE MAN!
  • Yes! Shopping, make-up, gossiping and giggling are our birth rights. No arguments. Full stop.

This is just a faint outline of womanhood. And I am not done yet. There are a zillion other aspects I am yet to explore and experience. I will revert back once again, to tell you all that is left, in Part-2, may be in the 60^th year of my life, where I would just be sitting on the porch of HIS house, adorably seeing HIM fixing my broken stick, narrating the part-2 to my grand-children and asking “Shivi” (my grand-daughter!) to type it and send to NTMN’s editor. (Oops! Didn’t I say WOMEN ARE DREAMY!..:P)

Friends, foes, countrymen, lend me your ears:
I come to bury humanity, not to praise it.
A reminder to all, of its untimely demise,
Truth be heard, that mankind has no soul.

The noble leaders had told you humanity was still alive:
If it were so, it was a heinous lie,
And blindly had you accepted it.
Here, under the leadership of your leaders—
For, Sibal is an honourable man. So is Manmohan. And, so is Advani.
So are they all, all honourable men, along one honourable woman.—
Come I to speak in humanity’s funeral.

It was my inspiration, only mine. My will to live, only mine.
For, there was still hope, there was still time.
But, our leaders say humanity was misguided, it had to be beheaded;
And, our leaders are honourable men.

Alas, my words fail me,
To boast of a nation with no honour,
Gandhi the surname, corruption the manner,
Politics the battlefield, thugs the warriors;
Like fools you all did see that in May of ’04,
We (alas!) presented her a kingly crown,
Which she did (alas!) refuse: was this sacrifice?
Yet our leaders say it was sacrifice;
And, sure, our leaders are honourable men.
Manmohan her pawn, her son yet unborn,
One said to be the PM, the other the one to be,
All at the Centre with their crook, our money they all took,
But, our leaders have decided that so be the order;
And, our leaders are honourable men.

My heart beckons me to say,
Women are but objects of desire,
Howsoever well they choose their daily attire;
Yet, the perpetrators live as they see fit,
For, our leaders say everyone except the innocent, deserves a second, third, or hundredth chance;
And, our leaders are honourable men.

In a country of such rich ancestry,
A child does the work of a dozen men,
And, women beg for a crumb of bread;
While over the skies some mansions spread,
And Mallyas sail in their kingdom of wine!
But, none has the valour to stand up,
For, our leaders believe Ambani a farmer, Mallya a saint,
And our leaders are honourable men.

The world around me lies in shambles,
Out for money, with hands of blood,
None worthy of trust, nor one with the will to trust;
Where Love isn’t but a word,
Where Hate drives men and women forward;
There lies no hope on the horizon,
For our leaders think the country needs it not,
And as we know, they are all honourable men.

What does it take to stand up and see for yourself,
That all is not well?
That the world we see is not what it must be?
That humanity is dead once and for all?
That our leaders are not honourable men?

I look up into the skies, searching for all my whys.
Why fight the wars?
Why be led by thugs and thieves?
Wherein lies the freedom?
Where to find peace?
Alas, where is the love? Where is the honour?

P.S.: And, of course, Why this Kolaveri Di?

The author has decided to skip on the archaic grammatical technicalities, in order to reach the audience in a more comprehensible way. Thank you, Shakespeare, for providing the template for this sad obituary.

(with some inputs from Tanay Sukumar)

1. You must, at all times feel patriotic. By this, I mean that you must remember to hoist our national flag Tiranga on Independence day, Republic Day and all such other red letter days. Only. You must keep the flag in that old wooden box very cautiously and remember to take it out the next time. Also, on such days of importance, patriotic songs should be played at the loudest volume possible to ensure that the beats are heard at the end of the street.

2. The Indian Cricket team is your bread and butter. The players are GOD for you. You must feel very proud when the team wins a match, in any tournament, on any soil across the continents. You must feel sad when any player gets out by the sheer beauty of the ball. You also pledge to whine and curse each member of the team when, despite putting in their best efforts, they lose. The thoughts of no other sport other than cricket shall ever pass your mind. You promise to ignore all achievements, of any sport, however big they might be, other than cricket. And there is a strict no-no for talking anything regarding hockey, the national game.

3. You will involve yourself  in any politics (dirty, cheap, does not matter) that is happening throughout the country. By politics, we mean to ask you to criticise all politicians irrespective of the work they do or don’t do. You must NOT participate in changing any bit about the country’s system, but sit and curse it. All Indians are required to be onlookers to any happy or sad event happening anywhere, in front of your eyes or elsewhere throughout the country. You also must be proud owners of the famous “चलता है यार ” attitude. This attitude rocks.

4. You promise to ensure that the society you live in is divided into multiple sections based on caste and religion. India has thrived on this nonchalant, no tolerance attitude for other religions for years at stretch and you must ensure not to disrupt it. You promise to fight and kill for your Temples, Mosques, Church and Gurudwara or any other places of worship which are under threat, either from people or the law. GOD is great. I am an atheist.

5. You will never try to find out who you are voting for in the elections. The elections are a very complex and lengthy process and you, being a common man will not fight to bring any change in the corrupt ways of functioning of the democracy. The electoral candidate you vote for should be a descendant of the person who your grandfather used to support. You will also ensure that the maximum number of votes are polled for the person you favour and promise to employ any methods, illegal or immoral, to ensure their victory.

6. You will study with all your might to secure your position in one of the elite institutes of the country to ensure that your name appears in the local newspapers and your parents and relatives can crib about it to their 36 different far-off relatives. You also promise to be a nemesis to the neighbour’s son and daughter, who, despite trying twice could not get into that premier institute and study in some “Who-Cares-Where-The-Hell-We-Are” Institute of Technology. And all these goals achieved, you promise to land yourself a job in some multi-national corporation, with a salary of some few lakhs and fly off to some foreign country. Last but not the least, you promise to settle down there, fly your parents to that place, if you wish too and swear upon your GOD not to return to your motherland and serve her. Also, the final nail in the coffin must be hating the way India and Indians work. If you have writing skills, you pledge to mock Indians by writing sarcastic stuff like how to be an Indian.

GOD IS GREAT. INDIA IS GREATER.

JAI HIND.

Step 2: Write your own understanding of the script. Copy line by line, remove all plot twists, tone down the dialogue to your clichéd Bollywood one liners, the classics being: “Main tumhare bachche ki maa banne wali hun,” “Pyar kiya hai koi jurm nahi,” “Ek na ek din main badla zarur lunga is beizzati ka”. The rest you can figure out on your own.

Inspiration for carrying out Step 1.

Himesh Reshammiya can do everything at small pay!

Step 5: Have the actresses dress up in the minimum possible attire. Shoot the scenes in exotic foreign locations, they make for an exciting Western appeal. Make sure to get on board the best action directors, from films such as Matrix or 300. And, while shooting the action scenes, take charge yourself. Dismiss all their ideas, and apply only your own innovative action sequences (Physics is a bitch, neglect it).

Step 6: Blabber to news channels, and print media how you’ve hired ‘nothing but the best in business’ and that ‘movie has so many plot twists, it will bamboozle you’. Come up with an utterly ridiculous trailer, but remember to put in glimpses of all those item numbers. Paste sultry posters all across the country that appeal to the audience.

Step 7: Sit back, relax and enjoy. Take your girlfriend alongside you for the premiere. Have popcorn. When she stomps out in the interval, proclaim loudly that ‘the director, who made this, is a schmuck’ and that you didn’t have anything to do with the movie.

1. Get a catchy title: Title is very important. As you can see, I have got one, and suggested a few others. You can work with your own, but be clear in your head about your target audience. For example, I’m writing this guide keeping in mind the entire intelligence spectrum of the human brain. Doesn’t matter where you feature in the scheme of things, you can always write a “How to…” guide.

2. Say something like “n Easy Steps”: This will make your reader stick to the guide, and actually read the entire concoction (for a change). Readers are fickle minded, and they expect you to deliver on that cheese sandwich you promised. Don’t make it too big. “How to…” guides are supposed to be the epitome of efficiency and effectiveness. Small, precise and damn useful!

You might be a baby at mind, but if you follow these simple steps, you can look like a know-all Einstein!

4. Promise the moon and deliver the stars, not the other way round: This is a very important strategy. You should undercut your “How to…” title just a bit, so that the reader is impressed by the content, and will definitely come back to read whatever (non)sense you decide to spew next. You should also come across as a man of the world and appear well informed (even if you are not, refer #3).

5. And finally, NEVER read other “How to…” guides: I don’t. I haven’t. Ever. (If this isn’t sufficient) think of it this way: you are telling people how to do things your way, possibly, the only way. Doesn’t look good if it transpires that you are actually not-so-competent at something else. To them, you are the prime, the alpha, the numero uno. The man who gave them “How to read a newspaper when your wife is sitting beside you”. You get the drift.

Tell me this hasn’t happened to you. You are sitting comfortably, maybe reading a good book, or typing an earth-shatteringly(?) vital text. And, all of a sudden, some elderly stranger (who knew your dad’s dad once upon a time) decides to barge in on your peace and quiet at that precise moment. Obviously, you’re expected to fall tumbling down at his (dirty) feet in respect. It’s only so long that you can pretend like you didn’t hear his grand entrance in the slightest and continue staring at the book/phone, because, of course there’s your mom standing right there, giving you meaningful looks. And if you don’t get your bum off the chair soon enough, she will proclaim to all the world what an unruly child(?) you are. “Uff ajkal ke bachche…”

THE ‘NO PALLU, NO SHAME’ RULE:
Next comes the absolutely crucial aspect of your dressing sense. The bahus of the house must not be seen dead by the men of their house without the pallu covering their head. It’s okay, however, to prance around town in mini skirts—those men on the streets aren’t your dewarji or sasurji, after all! Just remember not to get caught in western outfits at family gatherings—it clearly shows how you have completely crossed over to the dark side.
P.S.: You may be in for a long night full of insults of varying magnitudes.

THE RIGHT TO ‘EAT ON TIME’:
“No Mom, I am not hungry right now.” Is this dialogue so difficult to understand? I guess not, because it is the most straight-forward sentence you will ever hear. And yet, our mothers insist that we eat on time, all the time! So, in the end, we end up stuffing so much food down our tummies over the holidays that we transform from looking like frail old zombies to ballooned-up couch potatoes. You would prefer the former than the latter when the college reopens, wouldn’t you?

THE ‘AWAKE BEFORE THY SLEEP’ CLAUSE:
The founding fathers of our society sure were great believers in “Early to bed and early to rise…” Darn you, the founding fathers! What do you know of our plight, you never had Facebook, huh!

EVERY SINGLE festival and occasion requires you to wake up before even the sun does. If for some godforsaken reason (like chatting with your girlfriend the entire night, watching a late night soccer game etc), the sun manages to beat you, you will be treated as though you’ve committed a heinous crime such as murder itself. So you spend the rest of the day bumbling around bleary-eyed like a zombie on brain-diet. Then there are those clichéd aunts, and aunts of aunts, who note that you have grown up enormously and shamelessly in the last one year and decide that you need to be married off right this instant. And then they roar with laughter at their own brilliant joke (like they’re the funniest thing since Charlie Chaplin), while you stand there looking like a dumbo.

THE ‘BE A MAN, GO TO THE STORE’ BANALITY:
“Son, your sister needs a recharge. Go to the shop and get it done…” “But Mom, I am watching a movie. Can’t she go herself? She’s older than me, for Christ’s sake…” (in a stern voice) ”NO! The world out there isn’t safe for a girl. GO NOW, or I will call your father!”
To all you women empowerment folks out there, what happened here, eh? All of a sudden, the ‘I am just a kid’ boy in the house has to leave his beloved movie midway to go and get his sister’s cell-phone recharged, which she probably is going to exhaust by the midnight itself talking to her ‘good for nothing’ boyfriend. In what world is this justice?

THE ‘RETURN HOME BEFORE 6’ DECLARATION:
Okay, this rule sucks if you are a girl, but the magnitude just quadruples if you are a boy. As if Twilight’s male fans weren’t enough to make the whole male community less manly and insecure about themselves, some parents are hell-bent on getting their sons back to the den asap, as though he might suddenly turn into a vampire and start killing everyone in the vicinity. Phew!

We could go on and on about these Indian customs and household rules that we’ve had to suffer. But, to make this a little more interesting here are some customs that we would like to see being employed in our families in the near future:

• THE ‘GO TAKE THE HOTTIE FROM THE NEXT DOOR FOR A DATE’ REGULATION
• THE RIGHT TO ‘WEAR WHATEVER YOU SEE FIT’
• THE ‘DRINK BEER, WATCH FOOTBALL’ DECREE
• THE ‘SLEEP WHEREVER YOU LIKE’ RULE
• THE POWER TO ‘NOT GIVE A SHIT’
• THE ‘CHOOSE YOU OWN BRIDE’ LAW

Do share some of the customs and rules you hate most! And also suggest some new ones!

Sometimes they use it to express the feeling when they try to be sarcastic; at times it is used to be funny. But how can one emotion be used in such varied forms when used at different places in different forms. How?

Boy 1 to Boy 2: I love you

Now this apparently means that the Boy 1 is somehow just trying to tease Boy 2. Kindly note it: “:P” is teasing someone here. (I hope no one gets offended by this statement.)

Boy to Girl: I love you

Now this clearly assures us of flirting. Healthy, unhealthy… well, that’s up to you to decide. The emoticon is used for flirting now. Great.

Girl 1 to Girl 2: He loves you

Now this needs quite some understanding. (And since when did understanding women help? ). But in general sense, I mean if they don’t mean anything better, it certainly means, Girl 1 is telling Girl 2, “See what kind of douche bags fall for you. You are worth such idiots only. This is sugar-coated bitter truth.” So dear “:P”, you are also being used as a truth messenger.

Girl to Boy: I love you

Well, guys reading this, didn’t just imagining this situation rush your blood at twice its normal speed? Ah! Don’t lie… I know it did. So dear Mr. Emoticon, you give nightmares to boys.

Girl to Boy: She Loves You. Amazed and excited Boy: “Really???” Girl:

What the…. Damn! These emoticons can break hearts. Happy realization.

Boy to Girl: He Loves you. Girl: I don’t care. Now, unsure of how to react to this situation, all that the Boy is able to muster is .

The Girl follows suit. Oh! how mean. But guess what, the emoticon just saved somebody his mental agony of  not being able to do his work. Yes! I call it a work.

Uses of “:P” is varied, but not limited to:

1. “All in good humour.”
2. “Okay, that was offensive but I did not mean that.”
3. “I don’t know what else to say.”
4. “I want to cut off a conversation but can’t say directly.”
5. You have something you think he/she won’t feel good about, crack it with a “:P”.
6. You got a joke you think is bad, shoot it with a “:P”.
7. You need to know if she loves you, ask her if she feels for some other guy with a “:P”. If her answer comes without a “:P”, believe me, she is saying the truth.

Sometimes I wish, seeing the use of “:P” everywhere, it should have been declared as, say, the National Smiley… Imagine, the annual budget presented by the Finance Minister containing the “:P” at the end of every clause. And most of the government policies concluded with a “:P” (They’re fooling us anyway, at least this way we’ll know when!)

And how about the answer sheets we fill in the exam. It’s better we make a “:P” at the end of every answer: after all the teacher needs to know we didn’t intend to make it that funny. Stick out the tongue and it works.

The use of on chats and social networks has moved places, first it was just like a joke followed by a “:P”, but now it is THE thing.

And the best part of my imagination, I wish using “:P” in practical and in face-to-face conversations was that easy. It is such a useful emoticon. Imagine:

Sachin Tendulkar being asked about his hundredth century, he makes a .

Sharad Pawar asked why he was slapped, he makes a .

Shah Rukh Khan asked about Ra.One, he makes a .

Ask anyone in the world, “Why this Kolaveri!” and they make a .

And Manmohan Singh, I tell you he would have been blessed. He doesn’t speak anyway, a would have helped his silence look smarter.

But just like every other year, we are left with the same hopes (and the same failed government). Though it’s just a matter of one digit—2011 to 2012—which won’t change anything, but there’s one thing that we can always expect the next year to be better in. NEWS! Seeing the trends 2011 is leaving us with, here is something I think, can become the news of 2012.

Let’s start with the Hero of 2011. Anna Hazare is the obvious choice. If you don’t vote for Poonam Pandey as the Heroine of 2011, she can readily strip for you and your views will change. So now there’s high probability that the hero and heroine will join together in 2012 to do, well, whatever they do! While Anna performs his fasting, PP could strip so that the Anna fans do not get bored!

Seeing the popularity of Sharad Pawar since he was slapped, I think it’s high time, the PM should declare ‘Slapping’ as the National Action. Who knows, we might see the National Slap Day being observed, where politicians volunteer to be slapped and get Facebook promotions in return!

Another super popular thing this year was Kolaveri. Seeing the popularity, some underrated soul might use it for their fame. Don’t tell anyone but our secret sources report that Manmohan Singh is planning to sing the silent version of Kolaveri Di, to be released on his birthday next year.

Abhishek and Aishwarya were blessed with a baby girl this year. And I don’t see either of them having any work these days. So don’t be surprised to see a little Abhishek next year. After all idea 3G can’t help round the year!

The biggest question 2011 is leaving us with is Sachin’s 100^th century. And the way he has played, I guess in 2012, he will surely hit a hundred (of nervous nineties)!

The Bharat Ratna will also be another much discussed thing the next year since it is now open to sportspersons. Now that sportsmen can get it, I think Vinod Kambli will be its first recipient in 2012. Oh c’mon, the guy speaks the truth and he has played cricket if you remember!

Next year, we’ll also see the Swayamvar of Veena Malik. Any guesses on who is the unlucky one to be her would-be? Well, NTMN has the answer for you, news is that our unmarried former Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee would be going to try his luck, not because he likes her, but he wants Indo-Pak harmony.

Bollywood might see some big things next year. Mahesh Bhatt has already signed Sunny Leone for his next movie. Bored by usual ways of promotion, he has decided to do in public, what Sunny will do in a movie. So the public will now get to see Mahesh Bhatt doing the same things he does on TV: shirtless!

Next year we’ll also see some big developments in other sports of India. Since we’ll be seeing the London Olympics, the government is going to buy new hockey sticks for the players and they promise none of them will be broken this time. Reports also say that our athletes might get a new track to practise. (The Government didn’t want the Janpath to be crowded by practising racers!)

As for the last and the best news, the biggest trend of 2012 is going to be the one and only RAJINIKANTH! As he is the one who will save the world on the Doomsday!

Well, we’re done with what is going to be the NEWS of 2012. We all have seen a lot this year, and on a serious note, I wish next year we can see better governance and a few stable policies. Please don’t say you laughed more on this point!

So it is our chief editor Tanay’s birthday and we decided to quiz him on various things on this special occasion. (Actually, no one else was ready to spare time for us. So, yeah.)

See how it went.

Sugandha: So how’s it going, Tanay.
Tanay: Call me Sir/Founder/Editor/Chief… anything professional, but “Tanay”? NO. Work is worship for me.
S: Uh-huh, amen to that. Sir.
T: So, what have you to ask, Miss Head of Operations?
S: Oh. Well, before anything else, here’s wishing a very happy birthday to you, in behalf of the whole team!
T: Thank you. By the way, you made a grave mistake there. That should be “on behalf of”, not “in behalf of”.

S: Oh. Just a slip-of-tongue you see. Hehe…
T: What was that, I hate it when people can’t simply accept their mistakes and learn. Anyway, for your welfare, I’ll explain: “in behalf of” someone means to favour someone, to benefit them. While “on behalf” means on the part of, or in the name of someone. The latter is what you meant, the former is what you said. Too bad. You guys need an editor for everything.
S: Ah-okay. Thanks sir. I learned something new today. Yay. (wipes beads of sweat off forehead)
T: So?
S: So? So what? Oh yes. So, sir, what are your plans for this special day?
T: I woke up at 6 A.M. today, winters make me a late riser you see. Have been working since then. It’s 9 A.M. already. At 9:30 I’ll go for a bath. 10 o’ clock I’ll read the newspaper, to get more updates on what is happening around the world; in other words, to look for newer topics and people to spoof. 11 to 12 I will watch T.V.—The Lok Sabha channel is my all-time favourite entertainment channel. 12 to 12:30 I will go through my Facebook news-feed, notifications, etc. 12:30 to 1, I will be replying to the birthday wishes on my Facebook wall and inbox messages. Then from 1, I will read a novel for two hours exact. At 3 o’ clock I’ll sit down to edit some articles. You guys have lost all sense of punctuation and grammar, I’m telling you. Making it increasingly difficult for me. Oh, and by the way I sit down for my editing work at or after 3 only so no one can offer to help me with it, since the post has to be published at around 6 in the evening. Nobody here can edit to my satisfaction. I guess I need to edit this useless team now.

Chief Editor giving us his grammar lessons

S: (interrupting) Oh well sir, so, what after the editing?
T: What after the editing? I’ll publish it, duh! Then I’ll spend an hour reading it again and again, gazing at the sheer marvel with which I add master-strokes to you people’s stupid works. I’ll share it on my personal profile if only I myself really like it, with special recommendation from the Editor. No partiality, say my work ethics. Even if it is my own website. I always make it a point to appreciate hard-working kids, not the ones who make me work hard.
After that I’ll again read my novel. Then will be my music hours! 8 – 8:15 P.M. exact, I’ll listen to my favourite playlist—which has been the only playlist I’ve had since 1995. 9 to 9:30 P.M will be dinner time, then will follow it up with another half an hour in front of the T.V. 10 o’ clock will be my smiling time. 10:30 I’ll go to sleep.
S: Wow. That was quite detailed. And… and… too interesting for a birthday!!!
T: I know. I’m a fun person.
S: (coughs hard, pauses, regains senses) Sir, you’ve been running NTMN for…
T: Not I, my team. Those fools won’t work if I don’t give them their fair share of credit—the only thing I give to them.
S: Okay. So your team has been at it for two years now, how does it feel?
T: I don’t know. Not sure if “good” is a better adjective or “great”. I mean “good” is good, but too less than what I feel. And “’great” is great, but then it could also mean something huge, big, tall—so that could create a confusion in the reader’s mind. So I’ll say I feel good.
S: (rolling eyes) Well, okay. That was quite… precise.
T: Ah, not precise, accurate. I’ll tell you, accuracy is defined as, “The ability of a measurement to match the actual value of the quantity being measured”. While, precision is defined as, “The ability of a measurement to be consistently reproduced”. You see, it’s accuracy that you mean here.
S: (uneasy in my place) Err… to be honest sir, I myself have forgotten what I meant at all.
T: Hahaha, good one. Nice sense of humour there.
S: O.o
T: By the way, have you done all your work? Don’t tell me you’re just wasting your time here? There’s a lot of pending work to be done, and a lot of planning, remember?
S: Oh-uh. Of course I do, sir. In fact, I’m right now working on a piece you could publish today.
T: You’re working on something right now? Whoa. What is it about?
S: A satire on the lifelessness of an editor.
T: M-hmm. That sounds… intense. Good, at this point of time we need to deliver satires on various spheres of life, and not just politics!
S: Don’t worry sir. It is going to be an awesome post. Very different and fresh. Anyway, thanks for your time.
T: Oh that’s alright. Please close the door when you leave. It’s my thinking time.

As I started to leave his chamber, I heard our esteemed chief editor enter into an intense discussion, with none other than himself. He started blabbering something about the beginning of World War III, Osama bin Laden and stuff. I broke into a scamper, and stopped only when I was two kilometres away from his dungeon.

But having said all that, I still knew well that he is a nice gentleman after all—loved and respected by the team. So what if he is a disciplinarian, so what if he is the boring editor of a fun website, so what… err, okay, I’ll leave it there. So I was saying, whatever may be the case, he still is the person working behind every article, ensuring that the effort of the writers comes out most beautifully for the readers to appreciate. So if there’s one man who is involved with the nuances of every piece here, it is him.
(Sorry people, since the final editing will still be done by him, the last para was necessary. Ignore it, for all that we care. I just hope the post gets published. Phew!)

(Illustration by Kumar Pratik)

Here is a list of celebrities and what they are desperately praying to Santa for, this Christmas. Merry Christmas to them and to our readers!

• Kapil Sibal A dangerous internet virus that will eat up the whole web ⇒ Madam Sonia’s happiness.
• Digvijay Singh Sense.
• Arindam Chaudhuri The ability to think… before he can “think beyond the IIMs”.
• Rakhi Sawant More Silicon … chips, for advancement in the world of technology.
• Kiran Bedi CBI/More Twitter Followers.
• Mayawati A book titled 10000 New Ideas For Building Statues.
• Veena Malik Santa. Says she finds his beard hot.
• Rahul Gandhi Food. (Cuisine: Strictly Dalit).
• Katrina Kaif One role not of a London-returned girl.
• Nargis Fakhri One role!!
• Anna ??



• Manmohan Singh Talking aid. (Says he is tired of being one)
• Baba Ramdev Ladies’ suits, saris, make-up kits, etc.
• Kasab Lead role in RGV’s movie on 26/11; another 26/11.
• Tusshar Kapoor Dialogues.
• Anil Kapoor An actual “role” in a Hollywood movie that will last for more than 5 minutes, at least. Something like the Slumdog Millionaire: where he would be playing the dog.
• Bigg Boss Sunny Leone.
• Mahesh Bhatt Sunny Leone.
• Sunny Leone More fame among Indian guys (with clothes, that is).
• Himesh Reshammiya Expressions. Emotions. Acting skills. Singing ability. Dancing ability… actually everything.
• Akshay Kumar ONE movie that will justify his “superstar” label.
• Congress HELP!!
• Anna ????
• BJP The official status of being The National Thekedar for Hinduism and Communal Activities.
• IITians Kapil Sibal’s life.
• Engineers A life! And guarantee for a wife!!
• NITs More respect, other than the close rhyming of their name with the IITs.
• L. K. Advani The PM’s post. At least after death.
• Madhur Bhandarkar Revenge from The “Heroine”.
• Indian Football Team A new ball. At least now, after having won a Cup!
• Dhanush Answer to his question, “Why this Kolaveri!!”
• Wikipedia Donations.
• Sachin A CENTURY for God’s sake!
• Shiney Ahuja A maid. For household chores, duh!
• Baby B To grow up to look like mommy, not daddy!
• RGV Immortality! (quite right; given the angst people have for his movies now, anything can happen to him any day. Uh-huh.)
• Emran Hashmi His status of being a “serial kisser”, been missing for so long now.
• NTMN More FB likes! (Honesty )
• Anna ????

(with inputs from Shubham Choudhary)

Name: Sasuri Mayawati Behen Ji

Current Job: To erect worthless statues all over the state for no apparent reason.

Always dreamt of: Being selected for Miss India finals. Part of the reason, I am still not married.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A hairdresser at some beauty parlor in a distant village of UP.

Name: Kapil Sibal

Current Job: To censor anything with the keywords “Manmohan”, “Sonia”, “love” etc. (The three words may or may not be used simultaneously.)

Always dreamt of: Being recognized as a tech-savvy superhero, who revolutionized the country. (By abolishing JEE, by banning social networking, by proving the quality of jerks India can produce.)

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A limousine chauffeur of some wealthy businessman.

Name: Manmohan Singh

Current Job: To stay on Silent mode, until specified otherwise by user (Guess who?)

Always dreamt of: Being on top! (Long pause) Of matters at hand, you sick fellas.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A panwala nearby a general kirana store in town.

Name: Digvijay Singh (Coz I like to Dig! Yo! Yo!)

Current Job: To ramble all kinds of shit in front of the media.

Always dreamt of: Visiting foreign even for once. That’s why I rant all the time –“Isme bhi videshi takaton ka hi haath hoga!”

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A Hindi teacher at a sarkari school.

Name: Lalu ‘Parsad’ Yadav

Current Job: Jobless. Thinking about restarting the family cow-milking business.

Always dreamt of: Bhery long long time, bhanted to speak in Inglis. But, knowing wonly Bhojpuri as maa-ki-jubaan.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A doodhwala. Is there even a doubt?

Name: Rahul Gandhi

Current Job: Getting needless pictures clicked with actors posing as Dalits.

Always dreamt of: Being a ballerina. Or a stripper.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A waiter at a not-so-fancy restaurant in the suburbs.

Name: Sharad Pawar

Current Job: Holds numerous offices for milking the great Indian food business as well as the cricketing fraternity.

Always dreamt of: Being able to rig a poker game, so that I win every single time.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A stingy jauhri or makan-malik in the traditional Indian mould.

Name: Rakhi Sawant

Current Job: To appear uninvited at places, TV shows, advertisements, and go on a tirade about my looks.

Always dreamt of: A time when people stopped taking advantage of me. And, I started giving it to them on my own.

If I were not a ‘whatever’, I would have been: A B-grade actress! Or, I still am (looks confused). Shut up, I have to go to a Goa bitch now!

Here, I shall elaborate on some finer points why NTMN actually matters:

Logo by Rajat Goel

Unlike the so-called leading newspapers and print media of the country, we don’t pretend to be reporting the truth. We openly admit that our articles are fictitious; we don’t make up stories and present them as real news so as to gather more readers.

We are not bound by the laws of the Government:
We report anything and everything directly to you. We are answerable to you, not the Government, not the Censorship Board, not some goddamn Ministry!  This is what Freedom of Speech is about—to write the truth, be it concealed slyly beneath fiction.

We raise voice on topics of actual value:
It is blasphemous to assume that satire is of no significance to issues of real life. In fact, if anything, satire is the exact opposite. It is born out of frustration in the system’s ability to tackle issues in a swift manner. Never judge a book by its cover. That we are satirists isn’t a reason to neglect the underlying message of our write-ups!

We show people—the politicians, the actors, the cricketers, the celebrities—for what they truly are-
NTMN does not hype inconsequential self-proclaimed morons as “celebrities”, a la Poonam Pandey, Rakhi Sawant, et al. We show you the scenes behind the curtains—that celebrities are just as human as we are; they are just as fallible as we are, unlike what is shown in the media. (Read: Reality Shows)

Some celebrities/politicians have even started fearing us, for we exhibit them without their masks. PR agents of Dr. Manmohan Singh, Mayawati, Digvijay Singh, Rakhi Sawant have frequently contacted us over the past year.

We mock ourselves too:
Our job is to mock, and we do not hesitate to mock even ourselves. Does Times of India have the balls to report actual news? No. As I write this, I look over to the Delhi Times: the headline at the very top reads: “Anushka defends her skinny look.” WELL, DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A DAMN?

We are important, we amuse people but make them think:
The most important reason why News That Matters Not actually matters a lot is that we give people reason to laugh, to smile, while raising issues of even the most sensitive value. Over time, we have covered topics ranging from Mumbai blasts, Independence Day, Chetan Bhagat’s business strategy, Metallica’s India fiasco, growing decline in the popularity of Hindi, political gaffes, an open letter to Kapil Sibal, Kasab’s five-star prison, child abuse, women as commodities amongst numerous others. We have built a huge section of our popularity through our critique on education and societal humour.

We help you smile along, as you come to terms with the insatiable lust of the modern world, the devious motivations of the pretentious saints. We help you see the Mr. Hyde in each and every Dr. Jekyll.

We are awesome:
Dare not disagree with us, mate. Or, a satire piece is coming right up, on you. Take that! (Evil Smile)
Keep giving us your warmth, your support, your love, and we shall keep ripping apart these illusions of the society. Together, we shall build a better, and a saner India. Are you with us?