The Delhi Police.
Subject: How to stop crimes against women in five easy steps
We bring to you the most revolutionary idea to stop crimes against women within one week of its implementation. Please dismiss all your previous schemes and methods, because you won’t be needing them after this.
Step 1: Buy 50 Maruti Swifts, the colour of a Rajouri garden housewife’s nail paint. Make Rohit Bal design the insides like the accompaniment to music by DJ psych-a-funk (or whatever they call themselves nowadays). Sirens too would come in handy; they must be unique though.
Step 2: Find 100 bulky men around the state. They should be the kind that look like they gave away their cerebrums as deposits to Gold’s Gym. Hire them. Note that you may have to pay them exorbitant amounts of money, especially considering what they are going to have to do for you.
Step 3: Now, here’s the tricky part. You will have to convince these men to pretend to be homosexuals. If they naturally are, then, your work is done. Dress them up in snazzy pink t-shirts with ‘Drag Queen’ or something written across their chests. A couple of earrings here and there won’t hurt either.
Step 4: So, you are all done. Now put these men in the Maruti Swifts you bought earlier, blaring with B-grade Bollywood movies’ music, ideally item songs and make them roam the streets of Delhi at night, randomly frisky, inappropriately touching and partially sexually harassing ‘rapey-looking’ men. You could give them a cool name, like ‘C-Men: Men who molest men!’ or something.
Step 5: Organize random raids around the city at random public places as well as houses of men suspected of showing ‘rapey-behaviour’ by this C-Men army. Make the team so easily approachable by women across the city so that men shiver at their very name or just the sound of their siren!
And, that’s it. You should be good to go.
The results are simple. Men with a propensity to rape are going to have their souls contorted and self-esteem decimated by incidents where they have been harassed and molested by muscular men twice their size, because if there is anything that the Delhi men are more scared of than the moral abomination that is gender equality, it is the fear of the taboo that is homosexuality. The imprint of a pink-clad bulky man making you ‘his bitch’ is going to prevent potential rapists from ever leaving their houses, let alone thinking of violating anyone else’s bodily autonomy.
Moreover, the crass item songs will make them associate their pain with Bollywood music, making them unwilling to salivate at the hyper-sexualisation of women. If nothing else, this move exonerates mini-skirts, alcohol and the night time.
Someone who has a solution, a real one.
(Editor: Kumar Pratik)