The Indian "Uncommon Sense"
- The Smartass Drivers:
- The Honkers: Of course honking changes the traffic lights’ colour faster, doesn’t it? So equip your car with the loudest, the crassest and the most irritating horns available in the market. Now what? Go crazy, no holds barred! Honk, honk, honk! Traffic jam ahead? Still, honk, honk, honk! Nobody’s moving? Who cares! Honk, honk, honk!
- The Light Raiders: Oh, you can’t see through your black sunglasses in the night? Why, switch on the high lamps! If you have the fluorescent lights, it’s even better. Who gives a damn if others around you can’t see a thing; it’s your vision that really matters!
- The Texters: Driving at 80 kmph and your mobile phone starts vibrating? You must check it, NOW—without stopping of course. It could be some very important message, maybe about “how to reduce your fat in 30 days” or some good forwarded joke. Don’t forget to send back an LOL, before you start concentrating on the road again!
- The Random Parkers: Where to park, where to park? Meh, I will just leave it here, lying in the middle of the road. You shall not pass!
- The Seat Freeloaders:
So, you’re sitting there in the metro, peacefully reading a book, and suddenly some Auntie with an engorged posterior (no offence) orders you (not asks) to make some space for her. Grumpily, you scooch about slightly. Buoyed by bullying you, the Auntie pushes her rears with all her might into the teeny tiny space, turning you into a 2D object!
- The Minister of Traffic:
Oh, a VIP minister is about to come through this road. Quick, let us block all the traffic here for a couple of hours, and then spend another five hours to fix it. The Minister needs an expressway, and we’ll make him one in the space of a couple of hours. We are smart, aren’t we?
- The Unrestrained Fighters:
There are some of us who are just waiting for a fight. They don’t even wait to know the parties involved, or the reasons for the spat. They are just itching to get out there and unleash their firepower. Often, these guys forget whose side they actually are on, and end up assaulting their own friends in the battleground.
- The Mobile Phone Show-offs:
- The MP3s: Oh, your phone can play music files? Please play me and others on the metro/bus your favourite soundtrack from a ’90s movie or a religious soundtrack perhaps! While you are at it, please set it to repeat infinitely.
- The “Loud Speakers”: You are at a theatre, watching a movie? Call your girlfriend and start shouting how you miss her, can’t sleep without her etc etc, while the audience looks on in despair. You are the centre of attraction; who cares about the movie anyway!
- The Pee-rs:
You have to go? Nobody’s looking, take your chance. Yes, that pole, aim for it. Why wait for a couple of minutes to reach home? Peeing in public is a statement of your courage and prowess. Who gives a rat’s ass about hygiene and other such petty issues!
- The Great Indian Paan Spitters:
How can we forget them; be it the wall of a school or a residential building or the footpath, it’s their birth right to grace it with the holy red spit. So go on spitting, let’s turn this green world red.
- The Stompers:
Have you had the distinction of coming across those who wear big massive Iron-man-esque Woodland shoes? These men have no idea about other people who might be wearing slippers or light shoes and go about stomping everyone here and there as if there’s no tomorrow. They are most commonly found in metros, at cinema halls and of course, the Woodland stores.
- The Bargainer–Shopkeeper Agreement:
Shopkeeper: X Rupees. Bargainer: X – Y Rupees. Shopkeeper: X – Y + 20 Rupees. Bargainer: X – Y + 10 Rupees. Item sold. Time lost = Anywhere between 10 minutes to 2 hours.
While there is no shortage of more “antique pieces” in our country, these should suffice for the time being while we must ponder if we too are one of these!
(Contributions from: Charvi Jain, Punita Maheshwari, Brototi Roy, Shubhanker Saxena, Ankit Gouraha, Debarati Nandi)