#Youth Offbeat

The Perfect Roommate Conundrum

Those of you who spend an inordinate amount of time watching American sitcoms like Friends, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory and the likes would have surely, at one point of time or the other, imagined having a roommate rapport like that between Joey and Chandler, Monica and Rachel, Ted and Marshall or Leonard and Sheldon. I was similarly blindsided by those sitcoms into believing that I would have an awesome time sharing apartment with a roommate. I did not know any better and faced the music. But hell would freeze over before I allow the avid readers of NTMN to live with this horrible illusion.

Let me assure you that you would not be lucky enough to have a Sheldon-like roommate (roommate agreements, love of comic books and video games, we all are closeted nerds, are we not?).

In fact the following are the few kinds of Indian roommates you might find yourself stuck with:

The Miser of the Millennium: So, you thought the next door neighbour who always knocked your door asking for a bowl of sugar, was a miser? This roommate will prove you wrong, and will tempt you to rip out your hair in frustration in the process. Not only will they buy the lowest quality and quantity of groceries when it is their turn to buy them,  having a pizza delivered for dinner would also mean that  they can sample a couple of pieces for free while it’s you who pays for the pizza.

The Despicable He/She: The worst kind of a roommate is the one with appalling tastes in everything. You think I am joking? Trust me, more often than not, you are bound to be stuck with a roommate who thinks Tees Maar Khan was an awesome watch, Student of the Year showed the kind of school life he/she wanted and “Hookah Bar” is the most romantic song ever! And this is not the worst of it. The worst is when he/she also drags you to watch Desi Boys and I, Me aur Main and then spends the entire day discussing the movie and song!

The Perpetual Borrower: You make the mistake of offering your roommate your favourite nail polish the first week after she moved in and didn’t know any better. Now, every time you look up, you find her rummaging through your make-up box and using your nail remover to remove one of your nail polish and apply another one of yours. And by the time that cute guy at work finally asks you out a couple of months later and you decide to dress up, your nail polishes are either dried up or emptied out, and your favourite bottle of cologne half-empty.

RoommateThe One with the Nosy Mother: If you rented a place with an acquaintance from your hometown, you probably made the dumbest move of your life. And if you fall in the majority, your roommate’s mother will show an incessant amount of interest in your life. She will call your roommate five times a day, and every time enquire about the details of your day, starting from when you got back home the day before, to when you woke up, your  plans for the day, who you are meeting up with, how much rice you had for lunch, how many hair you lost in the day. To add to that, your roommate would be more than happy to provide the details. How would you know what goes on between your roommate and her mother? Well, the mother definitely calls your mother to report any “misbehaviour” on your part obviously! Like, returning home after 8pm.

The Life-Less One: You are in for a hell-ride if you realize too late that you are tied down with an 11 month lease to a roommate without a life. Not only will that entail that you never get to watch TV since the only channels that are acceptable to your roommate are the ones with saas-bahu drama, but also everything would need to be kept tidy and clean. Since they have no work but to wash the sink three times a week, you are expected to lend a hand to keeping the house “beautiful” too. Just because you have a life and friends, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have the time to dust the shelves and wash the curtains as frequently as possible, does it?

The Copy-Cat: Remember the 1992 American psycho thriller Single White Female? Tone it down a couple of notches and you will get what I am talking about. Scary, but true.

If the above list has made you lean towards living as a paying guest instead, let me assure you that is not the case. But then, that is a story for another time.

On a serious note, if you find a roommate who consists of 2–3 of the above mentioned traits, consider yourself lucky. My roommate has all six of these traits, and I have been living with her for more than 16 months now. However, I still get to enjoy my life, and my urges of doing bodily harm are lukewarm at best. You just have to find the loopholes and look on the brighter side of things!

This has been written by Brototi Roy and edited by Ateendriya Gupta. Brototi and Ateendriya are currently interning with NTMN in our Youth Internship and Training Program, 2013.

About the author

Brototi Roy

A seasoned NTMNer who loves all things satirical, ironical and humorous. Everything else, matters not.

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