#India

Chinese Premier shows up at Red Fort uninvited, snatches mike, and says, “Welcome to China”


During Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s speech at Red Fort on the eve of Independence Day today, something unexpected happened. Out of nowhere, the Chinese Premier, Li Keqiang, showed up, and snatched away the mike from the Indian Prime Minister’s hands. As if that was not enough, he went on to address the entire country in a cheerful tone, “Welcome to China”, he is supposed to have said.

Earlier in the day, Manmohan Singh’s Independence Day speech was in many ways unique, as he started by addressing some real issues faced by the nation. But, then the closely seated Madame G scoffed in fluent Italian, and Singh retracted on his agenda and begged issued an appeal to the people for a third straight term at the Centre.

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The two leaders have reached an “amicable solution” to a complex problem.

It was at about this time that the Chinese Premier showed up and took centre-stage. As a gesture to wipe away the tears of price rise, he handed over the packet of Chinese onions he had brought with him to the Union ministers. Keqiang spoke in Chinese that he hoped these onions would lay the foundation of Chinese rule in India.

Digvijay Singh, seemed to have gauged the danger of the situation, and took to the mike, alongside Li Keqiang, pretending to be his translator. NTMN had its own Chinese translator there though. So, Mr. Singh’s ingenious plan bore little fruit. Here are the excerpts:

Li Keqiang (in Chinese): We are officially taking over. We already have more than half the country anyway.

Digvijay Singh: Our guest of honour, the Chinese Premier wishes everyone a Happy Independence Day, and says he is honoured to make the ceremony on time.

Li Keqiang: Who is this man? Must be a dimwit. Anyway, we shall have two capitals for China now, one in Beijing and one in New Delhi, or any other city you want. Doesn’t really matter to us. It’s more of a statement of intent.

Digvijay Singh: Mr. Keqiang wants to extend his friendship to India, and is proposing an amicable solution for our current cross-border difficulties. He is proposing a peace treaty.

Li Keqiang: India will be renamed as Even-more-south China. The current incumbent Government will be dismissed and all politicians will be put behind bars, so that there is no hue and cry over the issue.

Digvijay Singh: The Premier is asking us to sign the treaty as soon as possible, and to work towards the unified development of the two countries. As planned earlier, PM Manmohan Singh and Madame G will sign the papers in the coming hours.

Li Keqiang: We also plan to put a stop on the spiralling-out-of-control Indian population. Radical and extreme measures will be taken to ensure it. Our secret agencies are already working on it, starting with destroying all Kamasutra books in the country.

Digvijay Singh: Kamasutra? Oh, Mr. Keqiang is very impressed by the Kamasutra books, and says that he is going to start gymming and taking acrobatics lessons to keep up with the rigorous demands of the books.

This incident has led to a series of reactions from the opposition parties (what doesn’t?). A BJP spokesperson even claimed it to be an RSS conspiracy, before realizing his gaffe, and denying ever having made the statement. All political parties have been interpreting the Chinese speech in their own ways. Experts thus believe the coming session of parliament might even be held successfully for upto a day this time.

Although the Government is maintaining its stance about it being a pre-planned event, our secret sources inform us that the search is on to find out the route which Keqiang took to enter the Indian Territory. Reportedly, the CBI, whose stature continues to grow, and intelligence continues to diminish everyday, has been tasked with the mission. Initial findings seem to suggest that he could have taken any one of the 9999999 routes into the country from China.

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With inputs from: Siddharth Joshi.


About the author

Ankit Gouraha

Engineering student by chance. Writing enthusiast. Learner. Critical watcher of Politics. Political and Social satirist. Elite reader. Big fan of Kumar Vishwas’s Poetry. Loves driving. A pessimist (learning to be optimist though). Always confused, but determined enough to achieve his goals.

* Hopes to do something meaningful in life and make a difference in society.*

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Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

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Shubhanker Saxena

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