NTMN: Many congratulations, Mohan. You have topped the Civil Services exam. How does it feel?
Mohan: (in a sad tone) Kya congrats? I am dumbfounded. Okay, I topped and all, but do you know how lonely it is at the top?
NTMN: Umm, yeah. But are you not thrilled at your results. We also hear that you are an IIT and IIM alumnus and have been a topper there too.
MT: Well, there was nothing to do at IIT, except for studying of course. I was nicknamed “Sheldon” by my batch mates. So I thought, “might as well prove them right”. Then I got into an IIM. I topped the CAT exam that year and got in. And the same story followed.
MT: No. I wanted to become a singer, a trained musician. But my father scolded me and asked me if I wanted to become a singer begging alms in the train. I got angry and in a fit of rage, went to my study room. I came out only after topping.
NTMN: That is sad.
MT: No, it is not. You know what is sadder than this? I do not know what to do now. It is like a vacuum. I feel lonely. I do not know what to do with my life now. All I have ever done is study. I never thought I would have to implement what I studied so far. No one taught me how to do that. I am heartbroken. Do you know of any exams that are tougher than UPSC? I want to take them too, and top them as well.
NTMN: We? Umm, well… yeah you could try for SAT, GRE, GMAT. But you are already an officer with the Government of India. Why would you want to boot such a lucrative offer to study?
MT: DUDE! Not study. Just TOP! I want to top everything, all exams of this world. By hook or by crook. Just tell me if you know of some tough exams. I have been in pursuit of an aim all my life. All this while, my aim had been to crack the toughest examinations. This obsession helped me get into IITs and IIMs and now the IAS. I have decided to apply for a few other examinations too.
NTMN: So IIT, IIM and IAS, that’s like all the three major “I-exams”. They say one who cracks one “I-exam” is Intelligent. Someone with two of them is an Iconoclast and the one making a dent at all the three is an Idiot. What do you say to that?
MT: Yeah yeah, whatever… is there a fourth “I” that I can top?
MT: Arrey chill hai yaar.
NTMN: So what next?
MT: I have no frigging idea. I have an offer from some coaching institutes to join them. But no, I wish I had stood second, so that I could take the exam next year to improve it. Bloody hell! I don’t know how to cure this Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) of answering every question correctly!
NTMN: So did you see or plan to see any doctor about this OCD?
MT: Man! That reminds me, I can still take the medical exams, right? I think I should top it too, agree?
NTMN: That is upto you to decide. We are sure you will do well.
MT: Do well? I want to top. Doing well is NOT OKAY.
NTMN: Anyway, moving on. Do tell us some funny incidents from your life.
MT: There have not been many. But umm, funny yeah! I find the standard model using the subatomic elementary particles so hilarious that…
NTMN: Nah… not that funny!
MT: Ah! Okay. Alright, here’s one which others find funny but I don’t see why. So I took GRE in my 4th year and scored 1590. Yeah I know, what’s up with under-performance! Then I re-took it a month after to remedy the situation and scored 1600. I didn’t sleep, eat, bathe or do anything else for that entire one month. I hear they had to evacuate the GRE centre when I was taking the exam… hahaha!
NTMN: Any advice that you would like to pass on to our readers and other “top-every-exam” aspirants?
MT: Yeah. Just one. Such stunts are performed by professionals under expert guidance. Please don’t try to replicate in your own life, you may end up getting severe irreversible head injury with multiple injuries to the emotional side of your brain. Also, there is thing called “life” which will be extinct from your life.