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By May 19, 2013 • The News Pages

Unemployed after five years of hard work as our first woman President, Mrs. Pratibha Patil has decided to form the first-ever musical band of politicians. The band members were selected on the basis of a survey which asked questions of the type “how-unprogressive-have-you-been-in-the-un-progressive-alliance (UPA)”. People with the most impressive answers were adjudged fit and idle enough to join the band. The band is called “Pratibhand: Kings of Unprogressive Rock”.

Undoubtedly, unquestionably, and unprogressively (of course), the stupendous Mr. Rahul Gandhi was selected as the male lead vocalist of the band, accompanying the ex-President herself. The other band members are yet to be disclosed, due to a tough competition between 230 other MPs. We managed to have an online interview with Mrs. Patil. Excerpts:

NTMN: Why did you feel this sudden urge to form a band?
Pratibha Patil: Well, when I lost my all-important job of the President, I didn’t have any work to do.

NTMN: Ma’am, cook? Good cook?
PP: Apart from the cook, of course, (laughs) oh please, don’t flatter me! So yeah, all of these factors contributed to my thought process of forming a band…

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NTMN: What was the main factor that made you think that “Nahi, band to banana padega”? Speak it out, ma’am?
PP: What do you want to hear? Foreign trips? Yes, that’s the MAIN reason. I haven’t visited any foreign place for like 10 days! So I had to plan something like this. Yahi sunna tha na, Khush?

NTMN: Yes. And why Rahul Gandhi?
PP: His answer was the best.

NTMN: What did he write?
PP: “I am the sun of Sonia Gandhi.”

NTMN: “Sun?” Really? And just that?
PP: Yeah, he needs to improve his English a bit, but that was enough as an answer. Plus I had known him for quite some time, he really is an unprogressive guy. He was also the leading cause of the UPA’s loss in Gujarat and Uttar Pradesh. So yeah, that was enough and all that I wanted anyway.

NTMN: So when will you reveal the other MP-cum-band-members?
PP: As soon as their answers get examined by Justice Katju and Justice Tinde, the names will be shortlisted. Fingers crossed for Lalu Yadav though.

img 2NTMN: What? You want Lalu in this band? Isn’t his voice something like the controlled scream of a denied orgasm?
PP: Yeah, that is what is in the trend. Look at other bands; the harsher it is, the better it is.

NTMN: What will be the genre of the band?
PP: What do you mean? It would be a co-ed band.

NTMN: No, not gender. Genre. Like Metal, pop, rock, shit, stoned? What?
PP: It would be soft metal. Rahul is a fan of Florence and the Machine. Even his favourite song is “Postcards from Italy”.

NTMN: Soft Metal? No doubt about why that is his favourite song.
PP: Yeah, soft metal, like Gold.

NTMN: Okay. Forget. You won’t get it. Anyway, which instruments will be there? Decided yet?
PP: Umm… anything but violins.

NTMN: Why not violin?
PP: Because Rahul baba said so. He said “Gandhiji hated violins, so no violins.”

NTMN: Last question, why not Manmohan Singh? Didn’t he satisfy all the conditions?
PP: He left his answer sheet blank.

NTMN: No wonder. Anyway, thank you Pratibha Patil for your precious (?) time. Next interview after your first live performance, in Rome maybe. Best of luck.

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