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CAT results are out, and there are many surprises, none bigger than the Queen of England scoring a dwarfish 60 percentile in the verbal section of the CAT. Elizabeth II, who was invited to take the test recently, was shocked beyond her wits when she learned about her percentile, and could only muster the famous line, “What sorcery is this?”

The Queen was invited by the IIMs to promote peace between India and England, as an innovative ‘that’s how it’s done’ model of international harmony. But it has all gone awkwardly wrong, and the Buckingham Palace is up for some serious damage control as of now.

Indian winter too hot for the Queen?

Personal secretary to the Royal first Citizen, Todd Burn said in his official statement to the press that even the Indian winter was too warm for the English to handle and that the queen suffered multiple heat-like strokes before the exam commenced. Notwithstanding, the exam was conducted online and her ladyship had the liberty to take it in the luxury of her own personal chambers. Burn has been sacked as a result of his “illogical reasoning”.

“English was never English”

"Verbal ability? What in the name of God is that?", the Queen asked the IIMs.

“Verbal ability? What in the name of God is that?”, the Queen asked the IIMs.

There were mixed opinions and statements from the royal family. William was overheard as having quoted, “English was a German language anyway. Who cares, man!” in a soft blue blood American accent. Charles blamed it on the extremely difficult grammatical scale that India has “strangely” started to exhibit lately. “What we taught them a hundred years back was English. I don’t understand when did they unlearn that clerical dialect and got hold of this diabolical continuum of words with flabbergasting aspects of complex grammatical paradigms!” he said in an interview to Arundhati Roy who mesmerized the prince with her beauty and charming (read condescending) English.

This has led to fiery debates within the nation about the standard of English being actually too difficult to be cracked by people with backgrounds in other vernaculars. Students with over 5 failed attempts found hope and started demonstrations at Purana Qila, owing to unavailability of Jantar Mantar (booked indefinitely by AAP).

Conspiracy: Did IIMs replace the CAT papers with English diploma papers?

Engineering students in the country, buoyed by the Queen’s performance have lambasted the IIMs, alleging that the CAT papers were somehow replaced by English diploma papers. However, the commerce students rebuffed claims that the CAT was tweaked to give them preference and show the famous “Babaji ka thullu” to engineering students.

“A code to crack the Verbal Section”

The IIMs, however refused to accept the allegations and opened their defence with a statement from previous year’s Verbal section topper Ram Lal Shekhavat, who actually happens to be from a Hindi medium school. “The English section is easy. Whatever option you zero in on, you are always going to be wrong. So, the logical solution is to think with your gut and not your head. My mantra as always was ‘eeny meeny miny moe’! You’ll have to figure out what works for you.” (Statement reported after heavy editing) The IIMs also refused to disclose which IIM Mr. Shekhavat is currently pursuing his degree from.

Right wing political commentators have welcomed this as a path breaking event in the history of India and have termed this “the ultimate revenge”. Indian HRD Minister M.M.Pallam Raju, meanwhile, explained that the Queen’s performance was atrocious, and that many Indian dignitaries such as Rahul Gandhi and Digvijay Singh registered higher scores at 61 and 62 percentiles respectively.

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Concept: Anjali Bisht

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