How to be Famous on Facebook: Five Steps
1. Kill your modesty: Is Rakhi Sawant modest? Is John Abraham? The first principle of stardom applies everywhere. There is no place for modesty in the life of an online celebrity. Flaunt yourself. Pose in your new heels and upload a dozen pictures of your beautiful feet (after photoshopping them of course). You are your own publicist in the social networking site, so you have to go all out to show your dedication. Write about your dreams, aspirations and cravings. Nothing is too personal. Everything from how much your boyfriend bothers you to how much you crave a particular brand and flavour of ice cream at 2am should be methodically uploaded in the social networks. The first step is to bewitch the audience, and that can only be possible if you keep them hooked on by keeping no mystery about yourself.
2. Engage and Involve: It is very important to engage and involve the audience for instant stardom. Always tag as many people as you can in random “cute” pics. This will help them to know that you have them on your mind. Write random notes too, and tag your entire friend list. It might be a little tedious, but it is worth it. Celebrity gossips are an incredible source of PR, so be sure to mention about the pillow fights with your roomie or the crazy drunken weekend adventures with your friends and tag others. The more people are tagged, the more they will be inclined to comment and like. Ping them when you see them online and involve them by asking about their opinions on your profile pictures, cover pictures and other albums. Play online games and keep your friends engaged by offering them sheep, spices or poker chips. Entice them with your generosity and keep them engaged so that they get addicted to visiting your profile every day.
3. The Quotes Baba: If you want to be noticed, be the preacher. Every jaw-dropping and deep thought ever uttered by anyone who ever walked the surface of this planet is just one Google search away. So what if you haven’t heard the speaker’s name in your entire life, or have no clue about what you just randomly read? Just copy-paste it, sit back, and wait for the likes and comments on your spiritual depth to pour in.
4. The “Expert” Photographer: Because who needs skills, right? All you require is one fancy-named-professional-looking camera and you’re good to go. And don’t forget that must-have self-shot profile picture—where that camera, if not your face, must be EXTREMELY visible. Upload innumerable photographs of that snotty kid down the road whom you secretly hate and that aged gentleman whose wrinkles you apparently admire—a visual treat to all in your friend list—with that fancy equipment you shelled out from your dad’s pocket. Most importantly, NEVER use a washroom without clicking a few scores of photos first. God forbid the entire world not know how gorgeous your duck face looks in that shiny bathroom mirror.
5. Shamelessly Shameless: In these ultramodern times, where’s the need for that outdated thing called “decency”? Shamelessness and brazenness must overflow from your heart and right onto your Facebook profile for all to see. Troll that classmate who outperformed you in your last exam, bully those flatmates who don’t appreciate your amazing taste in loud music, point an imaginary finger at that girl/boy who refused a date. I mean, what else is social networking for, if not a platform for you to do all the awesome things you failed to do in the “real” world?
And all you happy folks, grinning self-satisfied grins, patting yourselves on the back and chuckling at the examples of the afore-mentioned celebrities, do not for once underestimate the amount of mind boggling hard work, experience and dedication that were required to attain such heights of popularity. Or as some would say, unintentional comedy.