I wish to begin this article by thanking Rajiv Gandhi, because that seems to be the trend these days. Both the Railway and Union Budgets were presented this week, half of the proposals were full of Rajiv Gandhi’s name. This was, as the politicians call it, “the week when we talk about numbers and nobody understands”. Too generous of Pawan Bansal to give wi-fi and other amenities as well, when all people wanted was a better processing speed of IRCTC website. Very cunning as well—it’s like my father telling me, “you will get a computer the day you get into IIT”; Pawan Bansal just said, “you can use the wi-fi, if you manage to get the tickets.” Of course the odds of getting into IIT were better; I did get in, got the computer, but I’m still struggling to book those train tickets.

P. Chidambaram presented the Union Budget and the only person ecstatic about it was Vijay Mallya. PC increased the corporate tax, the dividend distribution tax—both the things Vijay Mallya no longer has to worry about (as far as he is concerned, PC could have very well levied extra taxes on providing employee salaries.) To top that, Chidambaram put a surcharge on those making more than one crore rupees a year—this coming at an appropriate time; when Mallya could very easily walk around below the bar, he was seen saying, “Now who has the foresight biyatch!”

India’s pseudo-win at the Oscar this year has made all of us pseudo-happy.

Oscars, why you no bestow India with your grace?
Oscars happened this week. Now I don’t get the awards, as I don’t get India’s obsession with them. We make crappy cinema and the sooner we accept that, the better. Alas! Since the time Lagaan made its entry into it and Slumdog… won a few, gazillions of Indians stay forever hooked to the screen in the anticipation of any mention whatsoever of India during the ceremony, even if it is in the “Thank You Speech”. This year again turned out to be a bigger disappointment, but to hell with Oscars, we make our global presence felt during the Olympics. What! Okay, cricket then? No! Well, software industry and BPO for the win then!

Cops… redefining the purpose!
Meanwhile the police are trying their best to rebrand themselves and stay in the news, err, for all the wrong reasons through. After listening to Modi’s speech full of jargon, they have developed a three-prong process to do so. First, be on a lookout for people drinking or dancing or playing music and enjoying themselves. Arrest them by giving reasons varying from their sexual orientation, form and type of dancing, the amount of liquor consumption etc., because let’s admit it, there isn’t a bigger problem than this in our society that the police have to be part of. (Oh and by the way, as a corollary of point number one, if media reports such arrests, let’s shut them off.)

Second, if by some unfortunate game of the probability, you don’t find rave parties happening anywhere around, sit at home, scroll through people’s Facebook feed and make some arrests to show the numbers.

Third, go out on a random patrol, find helpless people who have made minor mistakes like boarding a wrong train, and punish them to the extreme… like why not throw them out of the train, even if one of them dies! Oh and by the way, someone has threatened to blow up major railway stations, let’s not do anything about it… because it’s just a threat, what’s the worst that can happen? They can execute it… huh!