Kumar Pratik, December 22, 2011

Item numbers have, of late, taken the country by storm and caused a domino effect in the society. NTMN took charge to explore the phenomenon, and it led to some startling discoveries.

Maids become possessive of their names

Several maids are increasingly filing for patents for their names, fearing that the next Bollywood item number will use them. Sex workers and C-grade actresses have also been offended, and have said they should get some screen time as these songs are inspired by them. “I am proud that Katrina used my name for herself,” admitted Sheila, who is a housemaid in a locality of Indore. “But then, I also want some benefits out of this.”

Munni, a leading sex worker in the suburbs of Mumbai, said: “Haan haan, main badnaam hun. Isme itna excited hone ki kya zarurat hai? Business has definitely boosted after the song, but I was not given any due credit. I hate plagiarists, I really do. Do you have the slightest idea how weird it is to call people on their cell-phones and hear their caller-tune as Munni badnaam hui darling tere liye?”

Munni is adamant that she will charge the next filmmaker who uses her name in an item song a royalty of at least Rs 5 crore annually.

Item numbers as a dance form

Leading dance schools are also declaring item numbers a recognised dance-form in their syllabi. At Munni-Sheila Adventures Limited in Pune, students can sign up for an item number course for a very nominal fee. The pre-requisites, according to the institute’s website, are ‘hot-bod, preferably 38-24-38’ and ‘a no-objection-certificate from parents’. Students not fulfilling the figure criterion can sign up for a gymnasium combo offer.

The institute’s Mumbai branch has also roped in Rajinikanth’s housemaid as a guest teacher. Bollywood historians believe that she invented item numbers when shivered so violently at the mention of Rajinikanth’s name that it became a new dance form in itself.