Apoorva Tapas (ed. Brototi Roy), April 25, 2012

Keeping up with the trends of fierce competition and marks-oriented judgement, a matrimonial website has decided to conduct AIJE: Another Intimidating and Judgemental Exam (pronounced ‘aayi-ji’). The exam will make selecting a life partner even more complicated and biased as compared to existing Indian standards.

Mrs. Sathe, an elite high-caste Brahmin and founder of http://www.abshaadikiumarhogayi.com, announced this new feature last week. She said: “The next logical step in an Indian’s life after education is arranged marriage. If the standards for getting a good education are based on marks, then why not apply the same for a life partner too? After all, what is life without cut-throat competition and judgement?”

She added: “When my brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter Kavita returned from Amrika to find A Suitable Boy, she had to face so many rejections because she was tall, dark and intelligent. It was bringing so much shame to the family. We thought our noses will be definitely cut now, until my son Rakesh, he’s in IIT you know, came up with this superb idea of conducting exams for marriage.”

Rakesh told his mother not to be old-fashioned. “How can you decide a person’s worth if they don’t have a mark sheet?” he told her. “You should conduct a competitive exam.”

It was then that the Sathe family decided it was time to bring revolution and launch an all-India exam. “Once Kavita tops the exam – I will personally coach her – she will find a husband and finally be able to show her face in public again,” Mrs. Sathe said.

Mrs. Sathe and her team of leading matrimonial experts have designed the unique test, which compares the scores and résumés of candidates to match the most compatible pairs.

The exam consists of a written round of MCQs with options: a) Yes b) No c) Will ask Parents d) I’m an NRI. This will be followed by Personal Interviews and finally Horoscope Matching.

The first round will be conducted online, and the interviews will be held at specialised centres across the country. The test algorithm is currently being coded by Rakesh and his gang of highly eligible bachelor friends at IIT.

An enormous database of candidates has been prepared and categorised according to religion, caste, status in society, package, complexion, height, education, romantic history and many more such factors vital to choose a life partner. The groom-selection process gives a computer-generated list of five potential candidates.

When a reporter said why the program would offer five choices instead of choosing the perfect match, Mrs. Sathe said: “Well, after all, decision they will only make, no? We are very open-minded. We are only eliminating problems like inter-caste marriage and premarital you-know-what.”

The website will also have scholarships for top 50 meritorious candidates, to fund dowry, health insurance, and future marital disputes. Special prizes like designer saris and all-expense-paid foreign trips for exceptionally bright candidates will be available, the website said.