Kumar Pratik, March 24, 2015

After yet another loss in the knockout stage of the Cricket World Cup, the South African government has moved swiftly to declare rains a natural disaster.

“People affected by rains, showers and drizzles will now be able to claim miniature World Cup toys as government compensation,” said a government release. Intelligence agencies are reportedly having urgent discussions on whether to declare Frank Duckworth and Tony Lewis a terrorist outfit.

Policymakers believe that declaring rains a natural disaster will help the country prepare better for future World Cups with disaster management techniques against rain, such as raincoats, umbrellas and indoor stadiums. Waterproof helmets were mooted by a journalist as a tongue-in-cheek comment but he was not taken kindly by the government spokesperson.

Choking declared as national disease; Klusener vindicated

South Africa has also declared choking as the national disease after Dale Steyn was diagnosed with it today evening. Victim Zero of the disease, Lance Klusener, is said to have jumped at the declaration, and was heard saying in a celebratory tone at a bar: “I told you so, but you thought I was mad! Who is mad now?”

The government believes the country might just be able to come up with a cure in time for the next World Cup.

(Concept: Pratul Bagri)