Pratul Bagri, July 24, 2015

NASA’s Kepler mission has discovered Kepler-452b, an Earth-like planet millions of lightyears away. The planet becomes next in line to be exploited, and all its resources will now share the same bleak future as ours.

People all over the world are rejoicing at this opportunity to study this wonder planet and invade it, stripping it bare from all its wealth.

“This planet is in the habitable zone, this means that there is a whole new atmosphere and water to contaminate,” said the United States president. “Talk about all the fossil fuels we can burn there.”

Ordinary locals in ordinary cities were no different. A schoolteacher on a street in New Delhi told us: “Wouldn’t it be great to slowly destroy its atmosphere and watch the planet wither in pain and lose all its natural beauty?”