Kumar Pratik, September 22, 2015

In what comes as a major relief to single, committed, married, pregnant, as well as dead women all over the country, Google has announced an India-only feature on its upcoming Android version.

The feature, called New Pig on the Block, will identify guys who ping too many girls. Once the app knows the phone owner has pinged too many women, the phone will instantly explode without a warning, setting fire to the hand, face or whatever other part of the body the phone is in touch with.

A ping is worth more than a thousand stares

Experts say this tendency to ping random girls on social media is trending in India as old lame moves such as liking all profile pictures of a woman, inviting them to music concerts, or the old-fashioned call-several-hundred-times-till-she-picks-up, failed to yield any concrete results. These methods, men found, only annoyed the women.

We tried to contact some such pingus, but we got responses such as, “Hiiee beautyful”, “Will you go on dinner with me” and “Wait, I’ll send you my nude pic”.

This NTMN reporter is still reeling from the aftereffects of the traumatic experience.

uStalk, iExplode

Apple insiders say its iOS platform may have such a feature very soon too, under the name “uStalk, iExplode”.

If this happens, pingus will need to resort to now-obsolete techniques of staring from a distance, molesting or simply urinating on the streets to assert their dominance, a polite pingu said.

Beware: The Android phone can detect your desperation

The Android core team is also working on a feature that can detect the desperation in a guy’s ping by looking at his history of pinging, patterns in the profiles of the girls who he has pinged, and the speed at which he asks for a date if she even dares to respond.