Archives

The NTMN Archive Site is organised into several volumes.

First, we handpicked the best, timeless stories for you, and organised them in three volumes (“Best of NTMN”). By “timeless”, we mean the stories that are relevant any day as they were not based on any contemporary events. They cover satire on human quirks, youth, gender, popular culture, and society, among others. We edited these selected stories afresh in 2018:

Volume #1 (296 KB), Volume #2 (633 KB), Volume #3 (459 KB) (All these stories continue to have their individual pages on the website.)

Next, we have the best stories that were written in a particular political or news context (“Staff Picks”). They may not be relevant today, but you can still enjoy reading them for a flashback! Based in the period 2009-2015, most had references to the then Congress-led government in India, or news events of the time.

Staff Picks Part #1 (1.72 MB), Part #2 (1.77 MB)

Other articles that were published on NTMN are no longer listed on the archives. If you had ever written for us, and wish to access any of your works, please write to us at newsthatmattersnot (at) gmail (dot) com. 

Contents

BEST OF NTMN – Volume #1

Human Quirks

  • Indian habit of “always being late” is actually a genetic phenomenon, research reveals
  • Most roadside fast food sellers wouldn’t consume their own food, even if hungry, says survey
  • Cooking classes take a hit as Maggi makes a comeback
  • Young siblings declare war as elder ones refuse to do their holiday homework projects
  • Doodhwaalas all over India in awe of Maggi’s milawat
  • Wife demands another son, so that elder sibling’s clothes can be used again
  • Student who does not understand the Budget defends his views passionately
  • Man takes it upon himself to correct stranger’s grammar on the internet
  • Nakula, Sahadeva not as cool as other Pandavas, people admit
  • NASA discovers a new Earth like planet to exploit and strip off of resources
  • Terrorists cancel bomb blast plans, after very few Indians bother to turn up at Republic Day functions
  • Stuck in an elevator during power-cut, dad finally gets time to talk to his son
  • “Elite” Bihari living in metropolitan city starts using the word “Bihari” as derogatory word
  • After 4 Days of Street-Fight, Both Fighting Men Forget Why They Started Fighting
  • This guy admits he uses earphones even if there are no songs playing, just to look cool
  • Girl writes her name in Hindi for the first time since Class X board exam, feels ecstatic
  • Indian groom asks pandit to hurry up with his marriage customs
  • 100 kg of Diwali greeting cards found to be contaminated with fake wishes
  • Primary school students go on mass bunk; teachers, parents shocked
  • Post-mortem says youth died as he didn’t send a Sai Baba SMS to seven people
  • Man starts feeling hot after TV report says it’s the hottest day in many years
  • God diagnosed with diabetes as lakhs of students offer prasad and prayers to clear exams
  • Teen visits Starbucks just to “check-in” on Facebook

Men and Women

  • Matrimonial website starts competitive exam to choose life-partner; toppers get scholarships for dowry
  • Shameless bridegroom-to-be says “no to dowry”, faces legal action
  • New Android phones owned by guys to explode if they ping too many girls
  • Bridegroom Fair: Greedy parents find ‘legal’ way to get dowry, as costly grooms go for sale in Delhi
  • Axe announces money-saving deodorants that work only in female presence

Sanskaar

  • 14-yr-old girls can go for night outs if they aren’t my daughter, confirms open-minded dad
  • Homosexual atheist son disowned by family for opting humanities instead of science
  • Govt blames Western influence for rape, bans Hollywood films

BEST OF NTMN – Volume #2

Civic Issues

  • Purchase parking spots before you buy cars: Delhi government
  • This rainy season, MCD has plans in place to Venicify Delhi
  • Accused of drunken driving, man pleads not guilty: “I was just avoiding potholes”
  • Boy Falls Into Dirty River Yamuna, Comes Out With Mutant Powers
  • Frustrated by traffic jams, Delhiites start going to office on gliders!
  • Passenger with both legs in air defies gravity, manages to hold on to crowded DTC bus
  • New cars for 12-year-olds and drunkards can travel on dividers and footpaths
  • Sheila Dikshit spends a day as ordinary Delhi woman, city men leave her dumbfounded

Education

  • Lord Ganesha fails to clear SRCC and other DU cut-off lists, DU apathetic
  • In divine enlightenment during viva, engg student realizes he was being taught magic all along
  • A Coaching Institute for Pregnant Women to Help Their Kids Grow Up to be IITians
  • IIT+IIM graduate depressed after topping Civil Services, says “nothing left to achieve”
  • Education ministry finds way to allow students to score over 100% marks in board exams
  • Student Found With Working Brain Even After 4 Years of Engineering, Scientists Call It A Miracle
  • Here comes Right to Private Tuition Classes for every kid, as “school is simply not enough”
  • By 2020, parents will be sending little kids for five tuition classes a day

Poor and Rich

  • Farmers deserve suicide for their poor career choice: Elite Class
  • Missing billionaire Mukesh Bambani finally rescued from remote corner of his own mansion

Sexual Violence

  • Delhi Police to send friend requests to all girls on Facebook, in order to be women-friendly
  • E-retail chains banned as rape victim was wearing provocative clothes bought from Myntra
  • Girl who committed the crime of provoking men to rape her brought to justice
  • Man gang-bitten by wild dogs in Gurgaon; police blame him for wearing short clothes

BEST OF NTMN – Volume #3

College Life

  • Mother under the impression that son doesn’t smoke or drink in college
  • “Porn ban taught me more about computer hacks than 4 years of engineering”
  • Guest speaker forgets promise of “keeping lecture interactive”

Love and Dating

  • Tinder crush turns out to be technical glitch, man’s self-esteem shattered
  • Peace talks cancelled by boyfriend as girl violates ceasefire
  • Even arranged marriages can end up with couples falling in love, says survey
  • In unusual market trend, rakhi sales shoot up as Valentine’s Day approaches

Entrepreneurship

  • Entrepreneur sends khaali katora to venture capitalists as his sales pitch
  • Guy marrying in hopes that dowry will raise enough funds to kickstart his startup
  • Innovative Business Plan: Beggar plans to produce babies to beg more, earn more
  • Entrepreneur abandons his startup; joins Infosys to do something different

Popular Culture

  • Maids copyright their names, fearing Bollywood item numbers might use them next
  • Can forgive Salman for killing people as long as he fulfills my entertainment quota, bhai fans have admitted
  • Filmmaker decides to make movie without item song; faces risk of writing a logical script
  • Mysterious panelist speaks for nine straight seconds uninterrupted on the Newshour, creates record
  • Excited TV reporter falls into borewell while covering news about a child who fell in it
  • Govt plans to provide one free Chetan Bhagat book to every family to raise literacy rates
  • Young writer following the Chetan Bhagat model loses all female friends
  • Rains declared a natural disaster in South Africa
  • Saddened by Sachin’s retirement, 50-over Cricket also announces retirement
  • On a Time Machine with IPL, to the year 2084
  • Sachin Tendulkar to donate half of his runs to lesser batsmen and charity
  • Duckworth and Lewis admit they never intended to provide fair results in cricket matches
  • I wish to play World Cup 2031: Tendulkar